I’ve been awake for roughly 36 hours straight now. As the sun comes up, I know it will be 16 more before I can crawl into my allocated corner and act like I am asleep.
The nights are the worst, and I know I’m not unique in this but it doesn’t make it any easier. I know that both of you are sleeping sound, warm, comfortable. He’s on my side of the bed snoring and I am awake wondering when I’ll be able to. Wondering what he did that I didn’t. Why couldn’t it be and you against the world until the end just like we promised. Just like it was. Why didn’t I see it coming? Why didn’t you tell me I was fucking up? I’ll never know what made you decide life would be better without me. You knew what it would do to me but it didn’t matter.
You owe me an explanation. Some questions I don’t want the answer to. How long were you with him? How many times? For christ sake did you at least wash the sheets? See this is why I can’t sleep. From bittering despair to blinding rage and back again just that quick and I’ll never know why.
Maybe I wasn’t assertive enough. We never fought, never criticized, just went through our lives together. I thought happily but it seems I was wrong. Again. One more cup of tea and I’ll paint an upside down frown to fake another day. Tell J. I said hi.