• Ataxia

    by  • December 8, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Gratitude • 1 Comment

    I was in the winter of my life when I met you. I had just severed the delicate thread of a relationship that tied me to reality and kept me in a pretty cage. It was summer when we met, but there was a winter in my soul that flung me this way and that over the blustering desolation of my open heart. I was drunk on freedom and whiskey 7’s, men bought me drinks and boys surrounded me at the local dive. I smoked cigarettes so I could breathe fire and send smoke signals to those silent stars to give me direction. The cruel gods must have heard my stubborn prayers, or it was just coincidence you came along shortly after. We spent entire nights talking and drinking, kissing and laughing; we ate away hangovers on the rocky beach and watched the sun crawl too fastly across the sky. Even after the moon had risen I could still feel warmth in my bones and a sense of belonging over my sunkissed skin that covered me in happiness down to my scrawny toes.

    And before I knew it, you had to leave.
    But I was fine, people came through my life like fish in a stream, sometimes they’d pass by again, but usually not. My heart had been broken and taken advantage of more times than I could ever count, so I buried it deep and burned the map so not even I could find it. I had always been a self-sufficient girl, but even despite my self-imposed lonliness I found that I needed you. So I went to you as often as i could, knowing I was jeapordizing the only life plans I had scribbled in my weak hand. You were everything that kept me sane, if sanity was even an option for me. Cracks started to show in the earth over my heart, ice melted from my eyelashes as did the glaciers over my shoulders and ran down my body like a fridgid river, plunging me into a torrent of emotions that terrified me to a point I couldn’t even talk about. Amidst the tumbling chaos of the river you found my hand and pulled my bloody and shaken body ashore. You taught me how to breathe again, you taught me how to feel again.

    I am crazy, joyous and terrified, but I am yours. You, the most unexpected character of my life, saved me from myself. I will never be able to fully express my gratitude, I will never be able to repay you, but I promise I will do anything to heal your wounds, to see that smile which lit my heart afire. You found me in the winter of my life, the complete utter chaos, the ataxia, of my existence, and saved me. You are helping me learn to trust again, how to be truely happy again. Most of all you are teaching me how to love for the first time. Thank you, thank you so much, my love, I know what real freedom is now.

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    One Response to Ataxia

    1. It's me, R
      July 30, 2013 at 10:02 am

      I hope you know you were everything to me. The love you gave me was the greatest feeling I’ve ever known. You came to me out of nowhere, as if created by my very dreams to save me from my own loneliness. You were perfection. I was drawn to you from the very first glance. As I looked at you, you looked up, straw in your mouth as you sipped your drink. Our eyes came together you gave me a smile. A soft and sincere smile that I would never forget. Weeks went on and I would see you again and slowly build up a friendship, but I always wanted more. The first night we kissed lit a fire in my heart that erupted from my seams, splitting me open for you to see. I could’ve held you forever that night if time had allowed.

      I could never imagine hurting you, but I did. We had such good times when I was away. You would make the drive again and again to come see me and even when you weren’t around, I could feel you in my arms. You gave me everything and my love did nothing but grow for you. But I grew weaker. I was finally home and able to see you every day, but maybe it was too much too fast. I lost myself and let the walls collapse around me. I took you for granted and let the stress of life affect us. I needed to be your rock, but found myself slipping. I watched you drift away and couldn’t swallow my pride long enough to pull you back. I knew the pain you had hidden away, but I just couldn’t feel it. I had become empty and pathetic. Worried too much about myself when all I really cared about was you.

      I could never express how sorry I truely am. I swallow this pain each and every day like a pill. I would die a thousand times just to know you’re alright. I hope you’re as happy on the inside as you portray on the outside, but I still worry. You did the right thing by leaving, we both needed some time and space and I needed to learn. I needed to feel the consequences in order to grow and realize what was important in my life. I respect you more than you may ever know and I wear our memories like a badge of honor. I wish the best in the world for you. I really do. I hope that someday I can find my way back into your life, as someone, anyone. Our time together was too short. I am always here for you, but for now I’ll let you be. I will always love you, but I have to set you free.

      Be happy, you’re a very special and incredible woman.



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