• Where Does My Heart Beat Now?

    by  • December 6, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Lost Love • 1 Comment

    Four months. Four months was all it took for me to fall desperately, hopelessly, and fully in love with you. Your smile. Your laugh. Your messy, unkept hair. Your knowledge about everything! And, mostly, just you.
    Why do I keep on denying the obvious? I love you. I mean, at least I think I do. But, it’s impossible. I shouldn’t love you. I can’t love you. Because, you’re an atheist. And, I’m a Christian.
    I remember the day that we first met. Do you? It was when we were locked up together during a hurricane. For four days, we could not leave the building. And, when I started talking about Hayao Miyasaki, you came right over and smiled at me.
    Before I started college, I had no friends. All of my friends from highschool were at different colleges and I always had a hard time making friends. So, I prayed that God would let me make friends at college. Even just one friend. Because one friend is plenty. And, then you walked into my life.
    You told me your name was Kevin. I cringed because my first boyfriend was named Kevin, and he harassed me. But, I realized you were way different from him. You were honest, kind, and trustworthy. I always had a hard time trusting people because I’ve been hurt so much. But, so had you.
    We became friends instantly. We told eachother everything. Then, you told me you loved me. I was so happy. I was your first. You told me I was smart, beautiful, funny, kind, generous, and trustworthy. But, I didn’t believe you. I thought you would just use me like everyone else.
    Then, I found out you were an atheist. This hurt me so much. I promised myself I would never fall in love with an atheist or date one. But, I did. I loved you for YOU. I wanted to show that my love for you was because God loves you. God loves you so much more than me. And, I love God so much. And, you realized that.
    So, we broke it off. Decided we were better off as friends. Which made me so happy. Because I value your friendship so much. You are an important person in my life. And, I don’t want to lose you.
    Then, you told me you had a crush on my best friend. Who has a boyfriend. I smiled and said I was happy. If the person I love is happy, I should be. But, you know what’s worse than being a third wheel? Being a fourth wheel attracted to the third wheel but the third wheel is trying to break apart the front tires.
    God brings people into our lives for a reason. God knew this would happen. But, why? Why Kevin? When we broke up, you told me that someone will come along and love me most of all. But, why do I want that to be you? Why do I love you?
    I’ll be bringing you to the airport on Saturday. You’re going to South Korea, and I will miss you so much. I cannot tell you how I feel because I love our friendship dearly. I also love God. I will pray for your happiness and that our friendship grows more everyday. So, I will hide my feelings and hope that they die. Because being in love with you hurts so much. Because I can never be with you.

    One Response to Where Does My Heart Beat Now?

    1. that guy
      December 7, 2012 at 10:01 am

      Maybe there is something wrong with the god you believe in if you can’t be with the person you love. There are thousands of different gods in the world today, the only difference between you and him is that he believes in one less god than you.

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