I have never felt so lost or hopeless, not even from beneath a million wailing pages of lovelessness and despair, yet here I sit completely lathered in ink from wounds too severe to conceal.
And everyone is still clueless.
I don’t know what i’m supposed to do when the future looks so bleak. What can I do when the difference between a nice house and family and living on my mother’s couch is weighted upon the shoulders of whether or not I can succeed here and absolutely every-damn thing is set against me? I am undergoing one of the most difficult courses that exist and I feel way over my head. Failure here means going back home, unemployed, with nothing to my name and no means to support she who I would call my wife, whom I have yet to even propose to. But we both already know that’s where we are headed. My support group? Three hundred miles away, not that it makes a difference.
Worst part about it is I can’t even let these emotions out, apart from here. No privacy. No personal space. Nowhere to just sit down and cry it out. Frustration floods my veins and rushes to my head like a landslide, making these emotions that much more difficult to suppress, yet I really have no choice. This is what I signed up for. I *knew* how this was going to go down, yet I thought maybe I’d be able to handle it. Maybe I’d catch on and my future would look bright. Hell, everything else had gone my way. I got everything I wanted and I am on the verge of losing it all because i can’t freaking retain this crap. My effing mind works against me and I know I’ll be headed home soon, nothing in my hands except scars and disappointment. No real home. No job. No money. No way of starting that family we both so desperately want. Nothing but another failure to chalk up on my list.
What am I supposed to do? I feel it coming like a freight train, always rattling the ground before you actually see it approach. I’ve exhausted my resources and my means to learn and I have fallen so far behind. How can I go back home and face my family, my beautiful girlfriend, and her family and show them that they were wrong: that I’m really not as smart and competent as they say? That I, who appeared so bright and put together, am nothing but an empty shell filled naught but the air of negativity? The days are long; the hours longer and I feel nothing but contempt for myself for being unable to pull through and make something of myself for a change.
I just don’t know what to do…. I was given the world.. and I feel I’ve let it down. I let her down… I let down myself and I don’t know where to go. I just can’t handle this: this shame and frustration. I can’t…