Over the past few weeks, I have felt so many emotions, probably every emotion that someone can feel. I have felt everything from pure bliss and euphoria to sadness and self-loathing. You know that. I’ve told you.
But, I don’t think you realize how much this experience has fucked me up. You were my first everything. My first kiss to begin with, and even then you were at least a little drunk. I had pure panic the next day that the fact you were drunk was the only reason you did that. I told myself after the time that we made out that would be it. It wasn’t, obviously. After that, it progressed to that day after we ate… The day you left the hickey, the day the heavy petting started. That night, you saw me in my underwear. I wanted you to see me that way. You were the first. You then saw me without my bra. You did all that stuff with my tits. That was the first time that I felt things were moving a little fast.
Things moved so fast… they kept moving faster and faster. You started to move quicker and quicker, putting your hands in places I hadn’t even went. You were the first man I’d ever seen completely naked. You gave me my first orgasm. Then it moved to third. You convinced me to return the favors you gave me. I gave in, even though it was clearly something I hadn’t wanted to. Every time I did it for you, I felt even worse about it.
I also hated the way I felt after I left your room. I felt such a feeling of self-loathing. I cried a lot more than you thought I did. Almost every night when I made it back to my own room I cried. My friends judged me. When you told me not to worry, was it just because you wanted me to continue? Did you care? I’m not sure if you did.
And then, there was THAT night, the night that I almost made the biggest mistake of my life. After that, you kept pressuring me to do that one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do with you. And I didn’t. I am so proud that I had the control to not. Now I’m wondering, did you actually care about me in that way to respect my wishes? Or did you just want to fuck me? Did you just want to fuck a virgin? Someone brought that up, and it made me physically ill to think about. My self-confidence was already fucked, and now it’s so bad I can’t even look in the mirror without wanting to die.
I really, really don’t think you realize how much this fucked me up, not only emotionally. My grades started to slip, and now I don’t know if I can get them back up in time. I didn’t get enough sleep. I’ve had so many fights with my friends over you, defending you, almost losing friends over you… Did this even emotionally mean anything to you? I really don’t think it did, and that sickens me. I feel like you took advantage of me.
Okay, so this is a separate letter that I am writing. I did my period of ignoring you. I told you that I would do this, cause that’s what i do when I feel hurt because of a person. I was over you. I really was. My rebound did wonders. But… We screwed up. The night before we left for Thanksgiving break, we fell back into it. At the time I thought it was physical, you were feeling shitty because of your ex, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about J. It felt nice to feel good. I thought it really did not mean anything at all. But then last Friday when I learned that you had that easy ass girl in your room, I ran out of your res hall nearly crying. I’m so hung up on you and I don’t even know why. I broke down in front of a large group yesterday, and they told me that I deserved better than someone who only wanted a physical relationship, but I’m so hung up on you I can’t deal with it.