He went to bed tonight at 7pm. At 10:24pm I received a text. And I quote:
“and he wakes. Seemingly upside down in bed. The room is quiet. Nothing to be heard but the bunny nibbling on the cold steel of the hanging water dispenser and the slight breathe of the nearly awaken. He lays confronting the wall. Merely inches away. His head lifts. In the same confusion of a morning wake, he searches for the clock. He’s found it directly behind him. Expecting the worst, the nearing of an ending night, he slowly realizes the rather short time he’s been asleep, and the many hours he has ahead. And with one moment of realization, he knows this much more unplanned night may be a gift or a curse. Many hours to sleep, unless sleep was impossible. In that case an early wake, and an unnatural early morning filled with the necessity to tip-toe around in fear not to wake other members of the house. A morning of slow paced, headache making sleeplessness…” story of my life lol my teeth are chattering with fear lol I’m weird. Don’t make fun of me… Lol
This alone could be the reason; this random need to text me every detail, in all seriousness, of his wake in the middle of the night. I responded immediately asking if he was okay, if he’d had a bad dream, or if he needed me to come over. His response: “I just woke up thirsty lol.”
I so wish to pour my heart out here, to tell our full story in all its entirety. Really, though, just one lingering question remains, the one question that inspired me to write this: Why me? Why, after two and a half years of silence, did he choose to come back to me eight months ago. Me, of every girl he’s ever known (and he’s known his fair share)… Why was I the one that stuck out enough for him to relentlessly pursue even though I said I only wanted to be friends this time around? He’s utterly charming, incredibly intelligent, and undeniably sexy. He could have so many other girls. Girls who would give him anything, everything, even out of a relationship, and he chooses to be with me. The girl who vows abstinence until marriage. I don’t know what I have to offer him that he couldn’t have from someone else. Especially at our age, 21.
I hate that this, us, is so temporary. I hate that this could end. I hate the thought of him not being a part of my life again. I hate that I have to try to convince myself every day that I’d be fine without him if we were to break this off. This time’s so different, so much more serious, especially to me… “Significant.” That’s what this is, he said.
I don’t like the idea of him looking back on this as just another relationship, regardless of its significance. I don’t like the idea of me looking back on this. I don’t want to have to look back on this. I love this. I. love. him… I really do. I hate that. I promised myself I wouldn’t be that girl. I thought I was smarter than that. Stupid girl. I’m in too deep now. “Shitfuck.”