I’m sitting here in my bed at home, my stomach churning from this terrible hangover, and my thoughts aren’t making me feel any better.
Do you even have the slightest idea of what I’ve been feeling lately? Probably not, since I can’t stop being around you. I can’t stop making love to you. Part of me knows that I won’t be able to for long, and I’m trying to relish that feeling. That feeling of your warm body curled up against mine, your lips on the back of my shoulder. I feel sick when I think about the other night. I cried and you didn’t know why. But you held me and kissed my face and told me everything would be alright. It’s times like those when I am afraid that I might be making a mistake.
You know that I love you. We only just started saying it, even though it’s been almost a year since you took me out on Valentine’s day and took my breath away. But you also know that I’m not happy. There is an emptiness inside of me, and it comes out as anger, unfairly, towards you. I can’t keep doing that to you. Which is why I want to take a break from you. From us. I need a month to realize what I want in a relationship. I am so fucking scared to tell you this. But baby, can you honestly see us together in five years? I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can. This hurts so badly, because you have become my absolute best friend and to lose that will honestly kill me. I won’t know what to do with myself anymore. To lose the person that I come over and cuddle with every single night, the guy I eat dinner with, the person I share everything with. Laying next to you every night is something that I cherish so deeply. I don’t know how I’ll deal with losing that, but I want to take the risk of being so sad that I can’t sleep or eat. Because I know that in the long run, there is a possibility that I could be truly happy. Right now, I’m not. And there is the possibility that you, too, can be truly happy with someone else. Don’t you want to be sure of that future?
Saying sorry won’t make it better, but I’m going to say it anyway. I am so, so sorry. God just thinking about telling you all of this is making my stomach turn. You don’t know the half of what I’m feeling inside. I’m sorry if I lead you on. Just know that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
If for some reason we are both missing each other desperately, and I have made a mistake, then maybe we will find our way back to one another. We’ll see. For now, I have to do this for myself. It’s for you, too. It’s for the best.
I don’t know if you know about this website, but if you do and you read this, I’m sure you’ll know that this is about you. I just needed to get it out before I told you.
I’m sorry and I will always love you no matter what.