Dear “O” –
I am, despite my pride, so very sorry. You weren’t perfect, and you hurt me a lot, and I reminded you of that every chance I got. I used it as “get out of jail free” card. And I’m sorry.
I never meant for 3.5 years to end like it did. I never meant to hurt you. I never ever wanted that. I never wanted you to hate me. But I guess I brought that on myself. I’m so sorry. I’m sure it would make you happy to know that you haunt me in my dreams. I have nightmares about how much I hurt you.
You were my best friend for so long. We went through so much together, and now you hate me. I think either way you would have hated really, simply because I was leaving, and because I couldn’t find a way to fix us again. We were too torn apart, and you couldn’t see it.
I’m so sorry that I dragged it out. That I made you hurt. That I didn’t have the guts to just tell you. I’m sorry that I made you hink there was still a chance, when I knew long before that there wan’t.
That that you showed up when I was back in town. That you begged me, and cried, and I held you while you shook and cried on my shoulder and told me how much you loved me, and how we could fix it, and I knew that I couldn’t hide anything from you anymore. My heart broke. Whether you know it or not. I just wanted to protect you from what I was going to do. I remember the way that you smelled, what you were wearing, how you felt against me, and how awful I felt that I was breaking your heart this way.
I was a coward.
I’m so sorry. I’m genuinely happy you have a new girlfriend. I hope that she makes you happier than I was able to. I hope you’re able to be what she needs. It hurts so much to know you hate me still.
Neither of us could have made eachother happy. We had the type of passionate love that makes people fight, and make up over and over again. And while that’s still real love,and we still deeply cared about eachother, we coudln’t have made a future out of it.
I know you think that part of the reason that I left was because I felt that you had no future, because you didn’t go on to college etc. I want you to know it’s not. I would have waited for forever for you.. It was because I was different emotionally. I couldn’t fix things inside anymore. No more emotional bandaids.
I can’t tell you how desperately I want to find some way to send you this letter. To email it. Something. But that’s selfish of me. You need to not see me, to not hear from me, to hate me for a while. I can’t send yout his just to appease my own guilt and how terrible I feel. You wouldn’t believe it anyway.
I miss you, and I love you. Still. Probably not in the way that you wanted me to. But I do. You were my first REAL love. You were the first guy I ever thought I’d actually spend forever with. You were the first man I was open with, that I told everything to, who was truly my best friend. You meant so much to me. You still do. I hope you know that. Maybe someday you’ll stop hating me, and forgive me for hurting you. Hopefully you’ll realize why I did it. Hopefully you’re happy. Or you will be. You’re an amazing person. I hope you, and whoever you’re with realize that.