I didn’t delete your number … I couldn’t do it. It didn’t make me feel better to see you the other day, I know I said it did but how could it when you couldn’t hold me and kiss me the way you used to. I miss you so much it hurts and I wish I could have told you everything I really wanted to say, I had it all planned. But it was just too hard when you were there in front of me, because you’ve made your choice about your life and I’m no part of it. I sat there hearing myself say what I thought you wanted to hear, but now I wish I had told you it all. It may not have made any difference to your decision and maybe I would always have more questions … always something else which might convince you to give us more time together despite the risks, to give me the chance to make you need me as much as I need you.
That leap of faith you talked about … do you ever think of doing it? It’s the thought of hurting everyone around us that makes it too hard to contemplate, I do understand that and I feel the same. But we would only ever find out whether it was worth it by spending more time together. I know its an impossible situation, but I never ever thought I’d be in this position anyway, I never thought it would be possible to fall for someone else. I say ‘falling for’ … I know that realistically we don’t know each other well enough to call it that and I’ve never believed in love at first sight (or second or third) all I do know is that the way I feel about you is different and I just can’t stop wanting you, I can’t explain it, I don’t think I will ever stop feeling like it and I’ve no idea how to cope with it. It hasn’t lessened over the last year or so like I thought it would, if anything it feels stronger. I know we’ve done ‘the right thing’, but I can’t face the thought that for the rest of my life I’ll never kiss you again, never feel your arms round me again, never lie with you again and watch you sleep, never share your insanely hot baths with you again or have the chance to share and learn the things you love doing. Forever is such a very very long time and it’s so final. So is it that you are just so strong that you can cope with that … or is it that I’m just so weak … or is it that you just don’t feel the same about me as I do about you?
I believe that everyone chooses the path of their life before they are born, that there are certain people you are meant to meet in life and certain experiences you have to go through, to be the person you are destined to be. We haven’t had the chance to go the distance … I don’t know whether that distance would result in us being together or not but I can’t help wondering if it’s the right thing to run away from it even if it does seem the only option. I know that’s what we have chosen to do and that I should be strong enough to accept that. I know its selfish and I shouldn’t think that the chance of being caught was worth taking just to be with you again, but that’s how I do feel I’m just not brave enough to tell you.
And now I’m stuck with having told you I can’t have any more contact with you, that it is best – deleted you on FB and deleted your number, told you that I’m ok to move on. Did I think that you would beg me not to cut contact? How stupid does that make me? Because I’m not ok at all, I need you and I miss you and the rest of my life without you in it and with no contact with you even as a friend is just too hard to think about, even though I know I would never be happy as just your friend. I wish you felt strongly enough and needed me as much as I need you, I wish you weren’t prepared to walk away. Ironic that it was you who showed me this place isn’t it? It does feel a relief in some ways to write it down, in other ways it just makes the hurt more real …