you know, i fight this moment, this very action, cause i know its consequences. i feel beyond lost in life. and i know i’m no one to you anymore for you to care about. but i just get these urges to want to send you emails and i hope and pray that you’ll respond back with some encouraging words. i am just not sure why i’m even doing this. i keep going back on the things i said i didn’t want, and here i am, doing everything i asked you not to. i’m not sure why i’m even doing this. i miss you terribly. i miss my best friend the most. i know you have a girlfriend, and i’m sure you’re happy, which makes me happy. i wish i could rewind time and not have sent you that email, but it was the moment, it was missing you so much, it was not talking to you. and i know none of those are excuses for the things i said to you. God knows i’ll be regretting those words the rest of my life. my parents still bug me everyday about finding a boy and crap. and i want to tell my dad about you so he would understand how come all of this is hard for me, i want him to know how amazing of a man you are, how amazingly you treated me when i was in London, he would be happy to know such a good guy took care of his daughter. how happy you made me and that if God could have picked one perfect person for me on this earth, it was you. but i could never and don’t ever want my dad to know my heart is breaking cause of a boy, it would kill him. and i would never want to give you a bad name to my family. i space out a lot when i’m at the store with him, and he knows something is wrong with me. he thinks its cause job hunting sucks, and it is part of the reason. mostly cause i’m thinking of you and how and what i can do to apologize to you and make you know and understand how truly and really sorry i am.
every so often i go thru our facebook posts, and i just can’t seem to understand how we go where we are today, i mean, i know the reason, just can’t see why we let it get this way. I’m so heart broken, you have no idea. I was in tallahassee a few weekends ago, i wondered what life would have been like had we both expressed our feelings early on. i tried to imagine me making trips to tally to see you, different places we would have gone to eat, all the bars we would have gone to. there are so many what if’s that i just dont know where to start with them. i wish we could have started ‘us’ earlier rather than later. i wish for so many different things, most of which will never come true.
i started writing a book of letters to you, not sure if they’ll ever even make it into your hands, but it helps to write. i get a sense of what you would tell me to do with certain situations when i’m stuck. i have dreams about you, dreams that feel so real that sometimes i wake up crying in them. i can’t get past that this life was supposed to be ours, but its not, and may be in our next lives, we might finally get a chance to really give us a chance. If there was one song i could think of to describe you for me, it’d be Halo. when that song came out, i felt like the words were meant to be said to you. you broke my walls and you found a way into my soul. when i knew you were a phone call away, i felt protected and safe. just knowing i had you to call made me feel secure. i never wanted to lose your safety and protection, and i did. i never wanted a dark shadow to be cast on us, and i caused it. i caused the darkness that became the end of us. every time that song comes on, i immediately think of you and just how alive i felt having you in my life.
not a single day, i swear, goes by that i just dont stop and think of you. there are days i stand out on my balcony and stare at the stars and wonder what you’re doing at that very moment. wondering if you ever even think of me, for just a second. i hate myself so much for doing what i did to us. i hate the things i said to you, i hate that i cant take them back. i hate that we’re 1000’s of miles away, not even a phone call away anymore. i hate that i was given you to only have me throw you away. i hate that i let my feelings take the best friend i ever had in my life away from my life.