To a Pearl,
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry to the point of wanting to tear my own hair out and throw it on the floor, proclaiming that it’s all entirely my fault. For a while I felt so guilty, like a murderer because I had killed something so nice, kind, and innocent. And you were so blind that you could not escape or protect yourself, even when you thought that you were. If only this didn’t matter, If nothing had happened, we could still be like we were.
I’m sorry I loved you. I’m sorry I love you now and that you don’t love me and that it makes it hard to be okay, for both of us. In fact, when I told you you laughed, not because it was funny, but because you didn’t know what to do. And you covered your face, and I thought that you believed me, but I guess you don’t. Or if you do, then you can’t love me. I’m sorry that you can’t. I’m sorry that you’re scared. Scared of losing me, your best friend.
But if I’m like family to you then why can’t we be that kind of family, become that kind. You said I was crazy.
And I am crazy, crazy enough to love you but never tell you because you wouldn’t allow yourself to know. Instead I just told it to God, and he told me to wait. And I waited everyday, went through notebooks of love poems, of wishes, of tears and headaches and boxes of Oreo cookies. And then He said ‘Today is the day you tell her.’ And I was excited.
Until I saw your face when you asked to talk.
I’m sorry we sat in the hall, and that everyone knows that I love you. That everyone knows that you don’t love me. I’m sorry that you said it wouldn’t ruin our friendship, because that was before I told you that I did.
And then I did tell you.
And you didn’t even look me in the eyes the next day. The one time you did, you really were looking through me, and you asked ‘Is there any homework.’ And that was all.
I’m sorry that in the end, I’m not so sorry. Because I just did what God told me to do. And that’s His plan, and so I’m happy I did it. But I’m sorry it ended without you loving me.
Or liking me.
And friendship on a thread.
Because I can’t stop loving you.
To a Pearl,