I always keep coming back to this solution. This final solution. But I cannot carry it out.
I’m too afraid. Too afraid of what happens next. If they’ll judge me and how I’ll be judged.
I really want to say that I’ve tried, because in my mind I have. I have struggled day after day trying to live my life the way I want to live it, but I’ve only become a failure to myself.
I’ve turned into the person that I least want to become. My father. I’m on the road to nowhere. For someone I barely know, someone I’ve hated my whole entire life, how I’ve turned into this monster is completely beyond me. Fuck you, Dad. You were never around and I should blame you for everything, but I won’t.
Like you, I run away from all my problems. I avoid facing them head on. Only tip-toe around them when no one is watching. Contemplating what I should have or could have done to fix them. I drown my sorrows in alcohol to forget that they were ever there to begin with, but in the morning it just resurfaces.
I’ve developed this knack for not caring. Not even for myself. I let people crawl all over me like maggots taking over a carcass. I know I shouldn’t, but it’s just so easy for me to surrender myself into someone else’s hands. I want to kick my own ass, but I’ve not the strength to do it anymore.
I’m giving up. I’m done. Fuck college education. I don’t want it. Fuck relationships. I don’t need them. Fuck everything. If I had the will to do it, I’d say Fuck life. But I’m too cowardly to do that. I just want to disappear and wake up somewhere new. Where nobody knows me and my slate is wiped of all the chaos that I’ve brought forth into my life is gone.