It’s strange how you get used to the hurt. Nothing is ok, nothing is resolved, and if you let yourself think about that one thing (person) that happened for too long, the pain is suddenly all you can feel. And I’m talking crippling pain. The kind of hurt that makes you sob until all you can do is go to sleep knowing that tomorrow you’ll bury it all again and go about your business. You go through your day as though you didn’t have a mild breakdown the night before. I always muse over that fact and kind of laugh to myself – it’s so easy to talk to people, eyes still slightly swollen, and act like you’re fine and happy and content.
But really all I want to do is find you and finally say everything I never got to. And I want to hear everything you’ve got to say as well, even though I know it’s going to be so hard to hear (I never have enjoyed admitting flaws and insecurities). I’m prepared to rip open every wound that I’ve spent a year and a half tying to heal. I NEED to. I don’t even care if nothing comes of it (total lie, like always), I just NEED to be around you – ALONE – with the opportunity to finally say it.
Really though, I don’t even need to resolve what happened between us. I would be happy to just be around you. I want to laugh with you, fool around with you, and just have my best friend back.
Because I miss you more than I’ll ever admit to anyone. And it really fucking sucks realizing that
I love you.
Especially because it took me two years to figure it out. I can’t really be blamed, it was the first and only time that I’ve ever been in love so I had no reference or way to recognize it, but still…
I just wish that it didn’t hurt so fucking much.
I need to make something happen soon or I’m afraid I’m going to go crazy (too late).