This is to tell you who I really am…. the daughter that you think you know; the one you think are doing so well.
What I am actually doing behind closed doors is searching for answers. Answers to why I always feel so incomplete.
I question my sexuality. Wondering if it’s possible, when you have been hurt so many times, to love a different kind of person. To love someone of the same sex. I feel so alone that this possibility doesn’t sound so farfetched. I am turning 30 and I have never had a healthy, lasting relationship. I am beginning to doubt that it’s possible for anyone to love me for me and who wants to be with me. How did me, an attractive, intelligent and funny woman ended up at the point where I cannot find anyone in this entire universe who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. That the people from my past do not miss like I miss them … even miss me at al. I am the girl before the woman they marry. Have I become the girl that they learned ‘what not to’ from, am I always going to be that girl?
Alcohol is the only thing that seems constant to me at this point. My life is so sad that I am drinking alone. Drinking to forget – pretty much everything. Forgetting how pathetic I have become and that I am very possibly going to stay this depressing person forever. I drink so that I can fall asleep, without it I lay awake for hours trying to figure out where I made that first detrimental choice, flat-lining the rest of my life. I drink so that I can figure out a way to take my own life and actually get it right this time. Having tried all the old methods and failing horribly makes the task a bit more challenging. I have become such a failure; I can’t even take my own life successfully.
I keep getting involved with abusive, unavailable men. I have sex with them just so that I can feel powerful and wanted. Most of my life I was simply that hot girl they slept with once, never the girlfriend they want to come home to, the lost love that they want to keep fighting for. Nope, I am the girl that’s always left behind. I stay around people that break me down, just so I could feel noticed. That at least, what I do or don’t do gets noticed, even if it’s criticism.
Dad, I wish I could tell you that you are breaking my heart and that you would understand. I wish you could see that all I’ve ever wanted was to be good enough for you. Good enough on the grounds of just being me, not because I do the things that pleases you. I wish I could tell that I’m afraid of you, because every day brings another oppertunaty that I can dissappoint you and even more so, myself. My dependency on abusive men comes from you and I could never tell you that, because you will think me crazy. I am constantly trying to find a way to be less and less affected by you and your expectations ; I have yet to find it.
Mom, I wish you would stop drinking. I sometimes wish that something life changing would happen to you, because of your drinking. However, I cannot wish for this without opening the door for something horrible to happen to you and maybe even someone else. I wish that you could see yourself as a drunk, that you will be honest about what you are doing to us all. You are an embaressment to us and even yourself. I wish you could see yourself the way we do when you are drunk. You can never remember any conversations we have, regardless of how deep it is. I can never speak to you after 2pm, for then I can be sure you won’t remember a word. The sad truth is, I am enabling you. I sometimes drink with you, I don’t mention the hidden alcohol I have found just so that you can never reprimand me about my poor choices. Call it my leverage if you will, even blackmail.
This is my truth. The truth I wish I could tell you. Wish I could tell anyone…