• Fused

    by  • December 1, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 1 Comment

    So I’m laying in bed right now trying to connect to you with just a little bit of luck so I’m gonna try to write about my feelings. Lately I’ve been separating the old you with the new you successfully. When I want to take out my anger on someone you’re no where to be found and I actually use the new you to comfort me. I do have a lot of faith in our relationship and I hope that once we reunite all of the old sparks come back because there is seriously no better feeling. I hope you felt it too. You had to feel it but I’m not sure we felt it to the same degree. I was single and available and loving life and could see the possibilities and you were burdened with much more than me. I can see that now. While part of me still says to myself how can you have the option to be with the person that makes you feel everything you want to feel and still stay in a dead-end relationship. I get that you and I don’t think the same. What I wish the most is that you knew how much I genuinely loved you, like real, selfless love. I wish that your thoughts hadn’t been so clouded with irrational negativity and fear. I get you, I do. That’s why I think you’re “so cute.” It doesn’t take a psychologist to realize all those years ago I really hurt the growing boy inside of you and I know it doesn’t matter but I’m sorry that for even a second I made you feel inadequate or stuck. I know what that feeling is like and it’s a terrible feeling. I’m sure by now you can see things from my perspective and it all makes a little more sense but still, I genuinely cared for you and had I known that you would no longer be in my life for years by making that decision I might not have ended things with us. It seriously hurt so much to think that someone was more important to you than me. You have no idea. We both know after a few years of you just being ridiculous (you changed, became angry, took advantage of me, etc.) that our chemistry had been through the wringer but still seeing you always made me feel happy. Even if it was just as friends, like hanging out at Thanksgiving. As much as I wanted to take you with me when I decided to leave I figured if you felt as strongly as I did you would follow and in a sense you did but not really, not the way I wanted you to. Which is ok I guess. That person just wasn’t strong enough and I wish I could of been there for you, to make you stronger. To be the rock that you so desperately needed. It’s easy for me I don’t need a rock (for the most part) but I’d like one. You just were going the wrong way and towards the end I had my doubts, I just loved you so much I didn’t want to face the idea that maybe I wasn’t good enough. It’s strange because I could of easily moved on and been happy and found someone new, I was seriously in love with myself. But you weren’t with me, it just didn’t make sense. How could you still be with her? I’m dropping it but honestly, how heartless. I know you’ve changed and have gone through everything you’ve put me and everyone else through. I wouldn’t wish that upon you but I do see the lesson behind it. Do you know what it’s like to be so in love and to have everything you want (not massages, not cell phones or bike racks) shoved in your face? To genuinely just want to fall asleep with someone who cant stop being so selfish and evil? That’s why I was crying. You don’t even know what our life is going to be like, it’s going to be epic. I just wanted you to be there. We had already decided we were going to be couple, that day that 50 feet wasn’t enough space between us. You had years with me, as friends, learning me inside and out and being so fucking perfect. We are seriously PERFECT for each other. Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it? I don’t dwell on it, ever. I’m not mad, at all. I just genuinely love you with all my heart and I wish I didn’t feel so numb about it. I wish that this wasn’t good enough. I wish it hurt when she would talk about you guys being together, but it didn’t and it still doesn’t. I wish I didn’t feel obligated to make the both of you happy by seriously taking her calls every 3 minutes between texts to tell her what to say. I wish I could shake you. In every sense of the phrase. I wish a lot of things but here we are and I know that you love me so I can let it all go. We both changed and evolved into these amazing beings who will one day do amazing things together instead of apart and I wouldn’t dream of tainting that with negativity or resentment. Because I don’t resent you, I love you and I wish you would be more positive. I want to be everything you want and need, more than the other girl does. We’ve spent so long challenging each other in the worst ways that it has gotten us to this point where we don’t even speak but a few times a month and it’s sad. I just want to move on, with you. I want to get MY life back. It’s like, how do you live happily if your life is constantly running in the opposite direction or holding you at arms length? It’s so incredibly frustrating. How do I shake you! Or find you, or make you see through a pair of fresh eyes that not everyone will like-love you? You’re too damn nice to everyone. Except me and I’m the only one that truly wants to make sure you’re ok. Damn.

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    One Response to Fused

    1. B out Here
      December 2, 2012 at 9:11 pm

      We must life feel happy. Yes it hurts when you Love someone else just because they are them self. Wish someone would Love like this.




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