• Always in my Heart.

    by  • December 1, 2012 • Goodbye • 0 Comments

    Dear D,

    All those times we spent together will never be forgotten. You coming over to have a movie night with your best friend. Us three sitting there in the dark at 2AM with Netflix on. You fell asleep on my shoulder. I knew I would love you right then and there. Me and your best friend had to finish a horror movie you picked out. It was my favorite moment with you. It was the start of something I thought would last forever.

    You coming over to surprise me when I was sick. I didn’t want you to see me looking like that. I was sick with my hair a mess, no makeup, and sweat pants and yet you still kissed me and told me I was beautiful.

    God, what happened to us?

    Before football games with me cuddled into your jacket with your arms around me. I felt so welcome there. Like I belonged in those arms. I felt like we were two pieces of a puzzle that ony had two pieces, you and me.

    We were the perfect little couple. And I’m so sorry I fuck up all the good in my life. Even the best, which is you. But we hurt each other. You tried to tell me we would never work out because we crave attention and we need to feel wanted by the opposite sex. But I’ve never really been in a serious relationship.

    It was my birthday. I came to see you at work. I left and he called. Me and A went to go hang out with them. He ended up kissing me. On the cheek. It was my birthday. It was nothing.

    But you didn’t tell me you knew about us hanging out. That Friday you were a dick to me and refused to talk to me and the that night you and The Bitch were all over each other. I went home and cried my eyes out. I woke up in the middle of the night and threw up because I had made myself physically ill.

    You and The Bitch started hanging out. But while you two were basically dating we went on a date. I figured God would forgive us for that because I honestly believed you were my other half. My soul mate. You told me you loved me. I said it back. I was floating on a cloud on the way home. I don’t think I’ve ever been that happy. I didn’t go to school the next day.

    You were supposed to break things off with The Bitch. Instead you found out me and C made out while you and The Bitch were together. I lied to you about it. You didn’t need to know. It would have caused problems for us and we had already had enough of that. You and C were close friends. I didn’t want to ruin our relationship or your friendship.

    “I fucking hate you.” That was the text you sent me when you found out. You vented to N and G and they are no longer my friends because of you. But I guess I deserve to be alone in life.

    Everyone I love leaves me. Why did you leave me like that? Why didn’t you give us a fucking chance? Why do you look at me every day like I was a mistake? Like you lied when you said you loved me? I’m in love with you. But you don’t care.

    I don’t want to fall to pieces but I will without you. You were my rock. How could you just do this to me and be so hurtful? You told me yesterday I was a whore. I feel like since you were my best friend you know me best and I probably am.

    I cried for hours. How could you say that to me? Why? I texted N. It was the first time in a while. I cried all over again because me and him will never be friends again because he takes your side. I didn’t know we were taking sides?

    I have to see you every fucking day. Why don’t you see that I’m miserable without you? You probably do. It probably makes you happy to see how lost I am without you in my life.

    And you seem so damn happy without me. You look at her like you used to look at me. She looks up at you with that look of adoration I used to look at you with.

    The worst part about The Bitch is that she isn’t a bitch at all. I’ve talked to her a few times now. She’s really sweet in all honesty. She deserves to be happy as much as you do as much as I hate to say it.

    Something I’ve learned from this is to never get your hopes up. And the most important: life keeps moving on even when you don’t want it to. You can pinch yourself as much as you want and hope it’s just a nightmare. But my reality is far worse than my worst nightmare.

    I’ll move on. Eventually. But you’ll always be in my heart. My first love. God, we didn’t even have a chance. We would have been so perfect. But lately you’ve shown your true colors. You aren’t the boy I fell in love with. You’ve put up a wall and I can’t see you anymore. The real you.

    But I know you’re in there. I may never see it again but I hope some lucky girl does see the real you. I know you’ll make her happy. Like you once did me.

    But I saw our fucking future together. I held onto that for so long! I didn’t want to let you go. God, even when I knew you would never come back I held on to the hope that you would. I just want you back.

    We’re reaching the end of this very long letter that I’ll never send to you. You’ll never read this.

    I love you. I love you so much it hurts. My heart feels like you’re gripping it in a fist and every time I see you you just squeeze it harder and harder. Soon it’ll burst.

    If anyone should break my heart it’s you. Because without you I don’t have a need for a heart. So rip it out and stomp on it like I know you want to. Fragments of it have already chipped away. And you have all those lost pieces.

    Keep them. Without you I don’t need them again.

    I won’t give my heart away again. Not like I did to you.

    Always,

    H

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