• You Make Me Want to Throw Up

    by  • November 30, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Self-Esteem • 5 Comments

    You make me want to throw up. But not because I think you’re disgusting. No, definitely not! In fact, quite the opposite, I think you’re wonderful! You’re intelligent, you’re sweet, you’re cuddly, you love all of the things I love, and we’re virtually perfect for each other – something you’ve said yourself a number of times. But there’s something keeping us apart. There’s something missing, you said. You don’t find me the most attractive, you said. And it’s not like you wanted to tell me that. Of course not, I had to coax that out of you when you were drunk. Because you would never ever purposely make me feel bad.

    I’ve never really cared before. Sure, I’ve been a little frustrated that I didn’t have THE body. But I haven’t ever wanted it this bad. Ever.

    But now I can’t watch television or movies without wanting to cry. If only I had their body, I tell myself, if only I was that skinny, if only I could wear those clothes and look that good, if only I could be considered sexy, if only I could turn heads, if only guys would look at me and not just shoot me down because I wear a size 12 instead of a size 6.

    It never mattered. Because I’m smart. And I’m friendly. And I’m talented. And I have the best friends in the world and nobody ever cared before. Nobody ever needed me to change.

    I am twenty years old and I should be at the prime physical condition of my life. Instead I look like an overweight fourteen year old. A junior in college and I look like I did when I was a sophomore in high school. And you like me. But you don’t want me. You know I’m perfect for you, but you’re not being pulled toward me. Because you don’t think I’m beautiful.

    And I’ve tried to lose weight, but I suck at it. I can’t eat healthy all the time. I can’t workout regularly. I’ve tried over and over and over again and I cannot do it.

    So maybe I’ll find another way. If that’s what it takes, maybe it’s worth it.

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    5 Responses to You Make Me Want to Throw Up

    1. proud size 12
      November 30, 2012 at 11:55 pm

      You are beautiful! The times are changing. Those stupid size 00 and 4s want to be us! Because we are big and beautiful!! Size 12 is sexy, something to hang on to, and to love. Those little sticks have nothing on us, so screw him if he doesnt want you. You deserve a man that knows how to handle all that sexy!! 😀


    2. J
      December 1, 2012 at 6:07 am

      Take a deep breath, look in the mirror. Now list every single amazing thing about yourself. Don’t scrutinize your body, tell me what’s beautiful, what’s amazing, what makes you you. And don’t you dare answer “nothing.”

      He’s not worth it. You claim he’s perfect, but he’s not. What kind of soul mate would not take you how you are? Specially if it’s based on looks, that’s terribly messed up. When you find the right one, they look past your beauty and see who you really are. A guy isn’t worth losing weight for, he’s not worth the pain of hating yourself.

      You’re beautiful, don’t let one dumb idiot change your mind. Don’t live your live based on your pant size or weight. I’ve struggled with my weight forever, and I’m 20 too. But here’s the thing, no one can make you hate yourself. He can’t have the power to want to change you. If he wants to change your looks, later on he’ll pressure you into doing something you don’t want.

      Ignore him. Smile. You’re beautiful, you don’t need to change.


    3. dearly
      December 1, 2012 at 2:47 pm

      Fun fact, Marilyn Monroe was a size 12. Just a little bit of perspective for you.


    4. Sunshine
      December 10, 2012 at 6:05 pm

      I’m gonna go the opposite way and say, if you’re willing to do the work, he’s worth it. But if you’re not willing to do it, it shows just how attached you aren’t ((and shouldn’t be!)). If you don’t have the strength to change yourself for the better, you need to find the strength to move on.

      I believe you can do either one. It’s up to you to decide.


    5. H
      December 11, 2012 at 6:51 pm

      It is not worth it. From someone who has struggled with both bulimia and anorexia for the last 5 and a half years please believe me. IT IS NOT WORTH IT. It is hell and you still feel like crap no matter what weight you get to. It sucks you in and never lets you go. Please love you for you. If they cannot see how wonderful you are then THEY are not worth it.



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