It’s fine that you “do not want” to talk to me. It really is! Because that is exactly what I want to do. I am cutting myself from you for my own good. I have been rather selfless to other all my life, and especially to you. And now, I MUST be fair to myself.
You are so irrational and incoherent. You are such a hypocrite, saying one thing but you do the other. You are such a bitch. You do not realise it. Or do you? I have never told you this.
You told me the kind of guys that get you ticking. I’ve spent days, months, years, countless hours grooming myself, improving myself. I succeeded. Perhaps even surpassing these qualities you’ve listed out before. And when I have matured into what i am today, what did i get in return? You tugging on my heartstrings, being so fickle minded and eventually telling me that you love, wait, love me as a really good friend and do not wish to risk losing me by going into a relationship because you had a feeling that it will not work out and that we would eventually come to an end? When I used to be fat and was pushed around, people taking me for granted because i was too nice and was too afraid to offend anyone, you did not like me then. Fair enough. Now that i’ve shed the pounds, took a 180 degree turn on the appearance scale, earned the respect of people and become the envy of others, you start having second thoughts? FUCK YOU.
You tell me that you love, wait, love me as a really good friend and do no wish to risk losing me by going into a relationship because you had a feeling that we would break up eventually. This is really a fucking bullshit reason. You don’t want to lose me so you dont want to try? what kind of fucked up logic is this? How about putting some effort into the relationship first. Really? i have never used these words on you before because we were really close and we could talk things. But now, things have changed and it’s about fucking time i did. So when you had a choice between me and the new guy, you were trying to say that you do not mind losing him? since you are able to get into a relationship with him? What kind of fucked up logic is this? We would leave his friends out of the picture because that is not important although it would reveal even more going by your logic.
I know times that you felt lonely and desperately wanted a boyfriend. To be honest, i have to admit that i did consider and i knew that i could have landed you. But it was because i knew, i knew my, not our, my relationship to you. i knew it would not have been fair to you. It would not have been ethical. Acquiring you whilst you were vulnerable? I decided to wait. And wait i did. Only to have you tell me ” You are always here at the wrong time.” What does wrong time mean? WTF? so only when you are lonely, that i get to come into the picture? fuck you.
I do not, DO NOT regret forgoing those cracks of opportunity. Also, you asked me if i wanted out of the friendzone. WTF? Am i really still in it if you had to ask that night? i wonder…
Perhaps, you probably could not accept me for who i was back then. Or that like what you said, you did not want to lose someone like me. You know my worth. You’ve seen it now that there’s competition for you. But you wanted both. The man whom you recently felt attracted to, as well as the man whom you thought that would always be there for you no matter what. Why is it that you get what you want and i dont? You can’t have both.
You would probably never know the number of girls i turned away for you. I really wanted to give us a shot. I had placed myself out there, ready to risk what we’ve got or rather, what i’ve got on my side. Also, every time i asked you for advice on girl trouble, you simply brushed it off. Why? Because you assumed that i was only trying to make you feel jealous? Because you were too afraid to know the kind of competition you were getting? That you had to secretly pry from my friends and not ask me directly? Perhaps you dont understand me the way i understood you, not that i understood you a 100% after all these years. I needed your help like how i always helped you with your guy troubles. But as time went by, i realised and learnt that i was probably not going to get much or any for that matter. Sucks doesn’t it? so much for “friendship”
During your recent birthday, i showed you a glimpse of what i was capable of. I gave it my last shot. Still, you were being so fickle minded because you wanted both. I was prepared to let go then and there when you could not make up your mind. So after Starbucks, i decided to. On the same night, my friend questioned you. To tell you the truth H, i was very disappointed because you never did answer the last question. You simply told him to stop probing and that you did not want to talk about this issue anymore. You did not have the answer then or you did not want to admit that you were being a bitch. You gave him a reply the next day and he showed it to me. Still, then, you went round the bush, giving the same reasons why you did not want to give us a try. But it still did not contain the answer to why you kept tugging. I know the answer. I just want you to admit it and face it.
The same would go for the incident that you wanted something from me which i had given you before. I had given it to you before not long ago. But you were too lazy or couldn’t be bothered to put in some effort into searching for it and instead, you tried to manipulate me? Is this your definition of understanding me? It showed mee how much you took things which i had done for you for granted. And naturally, how much you actually take me for. Because i would always give in to you? So you assumed that that day, i would give in to you again? But it doesn’t matter anymore.
And just tonight, when you initiated a conversation. Why? Also, why only on facebook message? If we were really something more than just good friends as we claim without any qualms previously, doesn’t this deserve more than just facebook chat? I knew you wanted to talk. Well. I did not want to. I am certain of what i want now and what i need. This is my now. I know my way around. I am able to control myself, steer myself away from this pit which i had fell into so many times previously.
I am really done with this.
About fucking time.
If you really earnestly wanted to talk, you would not have keyed in those last 3 lines after you knew i was ignoring. Because your pride is worth more than clearing things up with me? You always want to gain the upper hand and feel in control and bothered so much about your appearance even though you always claim you were not.
If you earnestly wanted to talk, you would have picked up your phone and dialled my number for old time sake. What the fuck were you trying to do? try your luck?
Well, perhaps you KNOW what has been going on. But do you UNDERSTAND? Theeeesssseee arrrrrrrrreeee twwoooooo similes, doooooo yooooouuuu unnnnnderstanddddd si-mi-les?
In your past messages, you told me i deserve a better girl. You told my friend i deserve a better girl. When we last met, you told me a number of times that i deserve a better girl. And upon thinking about what has happened recently and after all these years, I know i do.
And now, when others ask you how we are related.
Seriously? Is that your answer? I think it’s about time that changed.