I spent the last 2 and a half months terrified that I would never have such a connection with anyone like I did with him. He and I were best friends, we had so many great times, there’s no denying that. I was scared that I’d never find someone that I get along with, who I feel so comfortable with like him. Every day was so hard constantly thinking about him. I just needed a reason to finally let go.
Taking that trip was the best thing for me at that moment. I needed to see my best friend so badly. But little did I know, that I would fall in love with the place. I’ve spent so long never feeling like I fit in and not finding a school where I feel comfortable. But in 48 hours, not only did I fall in love with the campus, I bonded with all of her friends like they were my own. It broke my heart hearing every one of them at one point say, “Why can’t you just come to school up here?” because I wanted to say yes, even though that goes completely against the “plan” that I had made up for myself. I never wanted to leave.
Before I came up, she told me that her best guy friend thought I was cute. I’d met him before on one of our MANY Skype chats with her, and yes he was so cute too but 10 hours away. But I think I underestimated it. Within 3 hours of being there, I was joining in on the jam sessions and singing with him. Everything felt so natural. As the days went on, I realized how down to earth he was. It amazed me how similar we were in so many ways.
My last night was the most difficult thing. After a night of goofing off and having a good time in general, I was thrilled to find him in the room hanging out with my friend when I came back from my shower. The three of us sat for a little while just talking and watching SNL clips on Youtube. Finally at about 3 my friend crawled into her bed and he and I just sat there and continued to watch funny videos for hours. As the night went on, we scooted a little closer, wrapped a blanket around ourselves and I put my head on his shoulder. We laughed and talked and kept close for hours; I felt happy, blissfully happy. At one point, the videos stopped playing and I just laid there curled into him, feeling so safe and warm. I didn’t understand how I could be so comfortable and happy with someone that I hardly knew.
Without realizing that I had fallen asleep, his movements woke me up; he kissed my forehead and said “I’d better let you sleep,” with that sweet smile that I wished I could see every day. So I got up to give him a hug and we just stayed in that hug for what seemed like an hour. I didn’t want to let go. He pulled away a little bit and there was that look; that look that says “I need your permission to kiss you. I respect you enough to let you decide.” The battle in my head raged because the situation was far from fair… but I said “why not?” and went for it. I hugged him one last time and buried my face in his chest. He whispered, “I’ve never met someone that I can be weird with like you. This sucks.” in my ear. That hurt like hell, so before he could see the tear behind my eye, I kissed his cheek, and sent him on his way. I laid back down in the spot where he’d been curled up with me not even 5 minutes before and just laid there thinking about everything until the alarm went off.
That day, I left and it was the hardest thing I’ve dealt with in a long time. I felt so at home there. I didn’t want to leave everyone. And that night when I got home, I jumped right on Skype to talk to my best friend; I told her about how I slept the whole way home, how I said maybe 10 words and how I wanted to turn the car around. She told me about how as soon as I left she texted that kind-hearted boy that I had spent my night with, and he came up to console her. She told me about how he sat there and listened to her talk about how much she missed me already and was a shoulder for her to cry on. My heart broke knowing that she was just as upset by my leaving as I was but also knowing that he loved my best friend as much as I did. My best friend means the world to me and anyone that wants to be a part of my life has to accept that and love her like I do.
We’ve talked a little since then, but one night when we were talking she told me about how he still feels the same. About how he wishes that we weren’t so far. Little does he know, that in an interesting turn of events I’m actually going up to school there in the Fall and I plan on coming back to visit in a month. I couldn’t be happier knowing that maybe I will get a chance. Even when she told me that he’s dropped the “marriage and kids” bomb, for once it didn’t terrify me like even the thought used to. I just smile and blush.
I don’t know what God’s up to here, but whatever it is, it’s got me happy and hopeful which isn’t a place that I’ve been in a long time. They always say “when you know, you know.”