1. i’m terrified of my future. i’m 16 years old and i cannot support myself, much less myself and my nearing 60 year old father. he hasn’t worked since i was in elementary school…he’s trying, though. he’s trying so hard and i’m proud of him for that. but my grandparents have pretty much taken care of me since i was little, and they aren’t going to live forever. what will happen to me in a couple years? i’ll be fresh out of high school and possibly nowhere to go. i’m scared. i can’t talk to anyone about this because the most they’ll tell me is to not worry, it’s the future, it isn’t happening yet. it’s close. and that’s too close for me.
2. i’ve been telling my therapist that i’m doing really good ever since i transferred schools…and in the beginning, i was. my school experience hasn’t drastically improved. i wasn’t built for high school. it’s more relaxing…definitely. but i’m alone a lot. i eat lunch by myself, i walk to all of my classes by myself, i’m mainly by myself. on the weekends i see my boyfriend, and the rest of the time i’m at home. i’m always at home. i remember when i went out and did things. i had a lot of friends and we walked around at night and went to the mall and saw movies. of course i’m glad some of those people aren’t in my life anymore, because now i know how horrible they were…but i still miss feeling like people gave a shit about me. even if they really didn’t. is that bad? is it bad that i miss having friends, even if they were fake?
3. i fucking miss my best friend. she was home for a week this past summer and i forgot how natural and amazing our friendship really is. she’s one of the very few people who instantly got me, back when we were 12 and still even now. i miss her so much. i miss playing video games with her early in the morning while her mom made us pancakes. i miss going to the mall and picking out ugly dresses for each other. i miss laughing hyserically over stupid stuff. taking 500 pictures with the bulge effect on and making the weirdest faces we could. i have issues with building friendships and keeping them…i’m overly guarded and my trust for other human beings is always below 0. but the second i met her i knew we would close for life. people don’t understand why i’m so protective of her but they don’t know how much she means to me. she’s the biggest sweetheart and wonderful and i just wish things could go back to before, when she still lived right around the corner from me and life seemed more put together.
4. do people ever see it? my insecurities are louder than ever. i try to walk with my back straight and my head held high. i smile and i’m talkative and i chat with anybody and everyone and i’m always laughing, always making jokes. i feel pathetic, most of the time. i feel worthless and broken. if i had my way i would not exist. i’m not suicidal. i just never want to get out of bed. i never want to deal with the world. i fight hard for happiness. i wake up every morning tired and feeling like shit but i constantly tell myself that i can make it through the day, the week, the month, the year, i can do it and everything will be okay. but sometimes i think it’ll never be okay. sometimes…i wonder if i’ll ever be truly happy. completely and utterly happy. not with everything, but in general. i hate having this dark cloud follow me but i don’t want to be put on medication…nobody wants me to be put on medication. so i fake it and i fake it well.
5. what is a girl supposed to when she’s so afraid of life that she can barely live?