Your love of karaoke and remembering your rendition of “I Walk the Line” has instilled in me a deeper apprecation for Johnny Cash. My heart still squeezes a little whenever I hear this song…
It was the summer of 2006 on my cousin’s 21st birthday when you first walked into my life. I remember that moment when our eyes met and how I instantly got flutters- those beautiful hazel eyes with specks of gold that I felt so privileged to have focused back on me. We danced, we kissed, then it was closing time and in the midst of the mad-rush to the doors, we were separated before I could get your phone number. I’m so glad we were in a small town where you were able to find me later on. It seems like this set a pattern for us in the years to come- being separated by outside forces but you’d end up finding me again. You’d pop back in and out of my life in the following years, generally as a summer romance. The flutters still happened every single time I saw you, no matter how much time had past (whether it had been two hours or two years) since I was last in your presence. It was almost embarassing for me to have such a strong attraction to you- because I never really knew how you felt in return. I had a general idea but you never really articulated it in words and that often left me feeling uneasy.
We last parted ways over three years ago now, since I headed back to school to finish my degree and you were focused on your career. I eventually met someone else. I felt like this someone else was the one I could spend the rest of my life with and be happy. But then I recently ran into you (cue in the flutters all over again). And you told me that you still cared and that you regretted not trying to maintain what we had in the past. I kept calm as you told me this, but I was celebrating on the inside. My heart was grinning because it felt phenomenal to know that our history had meant something to you too. I refrained for articulating what I felt for you in return, for fear that those feelings would come flooding back to me (which they did anyways). It just felt like it would have been disrespectful to my current partner for me to confess the secrets of my heart, that you were always on the back of my mind. It pains me now to know you’re still within reach and still available, that it would not take me more than an inviting smile to open your heart again to me.
Now images of you constantly scattered in my mind. There’s a deep-seeded longing to be close to you again and to able to create new memories together, rather than revisiting those that are held captive in my chamber of cherished memories. A part of me will always be in love with you, Eric. The last time we parted, I left a little piece of my heart with you. I never fought hard to get that piece of my heart back, because I knew was in good hands. But this has left me fragmented and confused about how I feel, what I want in life, who I want to be with. It is impossible to destroy the love you have for someone without their help. I wish you would hate me so I can move on. But you have too big of a heart to ever be a such a jerk!
Nevertheless, I have a good man who treats me well and he hasn’t given me a strong enough reason to leave. It is out of respect for him that I have chosen to cut you out of my life. I can’t have you both- that would not be fair to either of you. Nor am I at a place where I’d be willing to split with my current partner- as tempting as your loving gaze may be to my vulnerabilities.
I just want to thank you for bearing your heart to me, for letting me know that you cared. Thank you for the smiles, the memories, the flutters that always jump-started my heart. You’ll always be my first real love- no one can ever take that rank away from you. Take good care of yourself, because you deserve only the best this world has to offer you.