If you ever read this letter, it’s probably that I’ve killed myself, or you got this letter by mistake (which is highly unlikely) or my trusted ones aren’t that trusted or that you and I are finally together and God is not being a bitch for once. However, if you do read this letter, know that I’ve tried to bare every feeling I have for you in this letter and this letter was never meant to be read by you.
I first saw you in class 2, and even if you didn’t notice me, I desperately tried introducing myself to you but failed every time. I tried befriending Javaad and then torturing Saksham so that you could notice me. I always wanted to be your friend, someone you know and you can talk to and share your intimate stuff with, but, I’ve always failed. Even now, as I desperately try to win you over, I always fail to be that kind of a friend.
Ary, I have done so much to make this work and I am still not ready to give up. I have changed myself completely over the years. From being the silent kid to the bully to the over-kind idiot, I have done this just so you could know me. I have done everything in my power so that we could be a meek possibility. I started wearing fashionable clothes so that you noticed me and just complimented me. I started being kind so that you could at least talk to me. Everything I am, I have made myself like this for you.
And yes, I know that you are homophobic and you hate gays (or in your language “they are diseased” and that you “dislike gays”), but let me make something crystal clear, I am bisexual, not gay. And, I do know the fact that you and I, we’ll never be together, but I never been able to fully accept it. I still have false hope that you and I will one day be together. I will always have a soft spot for you.
But, the truth is that I can’t help it! You are the only source of light in my otherwise dark and lonely junkyard of a life. You are the only good thing I’ve got and what really hurts is that I can’t even have you. I can’t even be with you. And that hurts me. It haunts me.
Since I have known this fact, I have been depressed, my self confidence is extremely low and I have to visit shrinks and pop in pills just so I don’t think about suicide. For a time, I was having rage strokes when I got to know that I could never have you. I do not blame you for this. I could never blame you for anything actually. I am at blame here. I shouldn’t have fallen in love with you. I shouldn’t have. But, I was not a choice! It just happened.
I have been in love with you for 7 years, been completely head-over-heels for 2 and depressed since the first time I got to know that I’ll never have you. It’s time that I accept that you’ll never be in my reach but I just can’t. I will never be able to. And I know that it will crush me when I see you with someone else, fill me with jealousy and rage and a burning desire to just finish my life, but, I’ll try and live with it.
Just remember that you are an integral part of my life and my universe revolves around you. And even though, you’ll never receive this letter, I just wish to say that I have loved you, I do love you and I will always love you and nothing can change that. If you and I were together, I won’t ever give up on you, even though if that meant changing everything about myself, and I would never ever let you be sad.
I just wish I could tell you these things directly.
K