This post goes to everyone I’ve ever had the privilege to ruin their lives and this is me trying to apologize for the horribleness i brought to your lives…sorry.
In high school you could almost say i was a bully to a few people and first off i would like to just try and apologize for everything i did to you whilst in high school, but as what few friends i actually had know i only picked on you because they all know is that all i wanted in life was to have one more closely resembling yours. I wanted a family who could love me for who i was not the mistakes i had. i wanted friends who could stand by me and know when i was upset and would even try to help fix me.
As i’ve gone through life what short 18 years i’ve gone through people have always told me i will someday meet the girl of my dreams and we will fall in love. But i feel like i have met this girl 3 times in my life and now that i have found the most current one, of whom i have also become friends with just like the others, i can’t even see myself going to try and take it to the next level. this is because throughout my life i have been the fat, evil, useless, failure of person and i don’t want to bring that down onto someone i could almost easily say i love, and worse even if we did make it to the next level i’ve never had a girlfriend before and wouldn’t know what to do and probably just ruin our friendship in general.
So as i move forward in my life i keep hearing people tell that happiness is the key to success. But also as i move forward i find happiness harder and harder to come by. i don’t truly have many real friends. my family only sees me as a screw up who can’t do much with his life. i could never get the courage or self esteem to try and find a partner in life so i shall stay forever alone in my thoughts. And with happiness quickly leaving my life i begin to wonder if i could fix everything in other peoples lives by just ending it all here and now, because my life has gotten so far down the drain that i can’t even see myself climbing out of it in my lifetime. If i were gone i could see my family mourning for a bit but easily come out of it and just remembering for my failures in life and labeling me as the mistake i have and always will be. My friends will most likely just shrug it off and chop it down to we were only acquaintances anyways. And to anyone who loves me, as few and far between as they are, you have always known that goodbyes are hard for me but i feel if i got the courage to do anything that this final goodbye would be one of the easier ones in my life. Also to those that love me i am sorry i am such an asshole, such a screw up, so broken and thank you for being my friends throughout these years. sorry again. and the girl for whom i currently like, i think you know i like you but are disgusted by the idea and i also apologize for this. just think about me leaving as an apology letter and that you will never have to see me again.
again sorry to all of those who have ever met me. maybe one day i’ll be more of a man and be able to end all the pain forever….