Hey. I’ve been meaning to write this for a while, but it’s been difficult. It’s not easy for me to explain to you what happened. It’s not easy to admit to you – to me – the pain I inflicted because I was so afraid of myself. But I’ve heard about you from friends. I’ve heard how much agony I caused when I left. I’ve heard about the doubt you have in yourself now. I’ve heard how you think you are to blame. And I’ve heard how lost you’ve felt lately. I cannot apologize enough.
We started out so effortlessly. Our connection was so intense and pure that it was insane to me how much I could care about someone like I cared about you. I took that for granted it seems. Our friendship was so strong, we kind of ostracized our other friends, didn’t we? It seems silly now, but I’ve also heard from them how sad they were at the time. I feel bad about that, too. I’m glad that isolation didn’t last long. Although we made time for others, we still had plenty of time for ourselves. I told you things I’ve never told anyone else. It was crazy how scared that made me. Feeling so vulnerable. I hated it. But at the same time, it made me feel so light. I felt free. But there was always one thing I never told you. I never told anyone.
When we left each other for school, it was awful. Being away from someone I had bonded with so deeply was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I took comfort in the fact that it was only temporary. I knew we would see each other again. And we did. During winter break, our friendship evolved into something more. But this is where things got complicated. By this point, I knew you so well. You know that, don’t you? I could see that your friendship for me had evolved into love. Not just a platonic love, but a carnal and deep love. To you, we were beyond just friends, beyond family. We were something stronger. I saw how you needed this. How you needed us. I know you.
For me, our relationship had changed too. I felt it. You were no longer just someone I was friends with, but you became family to me. You were like my sister. That time in my life was so hard. I knew you could tell. My struggles in school. The lack of support I felt from my family. The separation I had to face. You saw me just like I saw you. When I felt like I had no one else, you were there. So our friendship did change for me just like it changed for you. But they didn’t change into the same thing.
That was when I decided that, for you, I would try. I would try a deeper, less familial relationship. I could do this for you. I was so certain that my feelings eventually would evolve into love, just like they had for you. I thought that in time, we would be completely happy together. But I was wrong. When we went back to school, the separation this time was easier for me. Even though we were now in a relationship, we spoke less and less. This part kills me. This was the time when I could feel that what we were doing wasn’t enough for you. Regardless of our distance, you still wanted that relationship. The physical and emotional separation wasn’t easy for you like it was for me. But I was selfish. I was deciding during this time that I couldn’t lie to myself about my feelings anymore. I knew you were never going to be more than a sister to me. So I ended things. Disgracefully. Hurtfully. I was weak. I did ended things without thought of all our history together. I did it without seeing your face. And I didn’t speak to you after that.
I often wonder what it was like for you. I heard things from our friends, yes. But only months and months after the events. Furthermore, I knew you didn’t want to make things difficult for the people in both of our lives. I knew you so well. You hid your real emotions from them, didn’t you? You tried to protect them. You’ve always been so strong that way. You’ve always been so brave. I wish I could be more like you. I can just see you putting on a brave face with them. But what were you like when you were alone? Did you hate me? Do you hate me? I would hate me.
When I left, you lost more than just a boyfriend. You lost a companion – a true friend. You lost the person you used to confide in. You lost the person you would cry to. You lost the person you showed your true emotions to. Did you have someone to turn to, without me? Did you have someone to help you with the mess I left you in? I worried about you. But I was too weak to go back. I couldn’t return to the way things were. I couldn’t face you. I wish I had better reasons. But I don’t. I’m sorry.
It’s been some time since we last spoke. I wonder how you’re doing all the time. I lost my best friend then too. No. I lost my sister. I lost someone so precious. And I did it without a thought for you. That’s the hardest part. So now I want to apologize. I want to say how sorry I am for abandoning you. I want to say how much I regret the way I ended things. I want you to know that I was weak. I was scared of admitting my true feelings to myself. That one secret I never shared with you was something buried so deep in me, I didn’t want to drag it out. It was so shameful. I hurt you to save my pride. I want you to know that it wasn’t worth it.
I wish I could tell you all this to your face. I wish I could look you in the eye and explain everything. But I’m still so weak. You don’t know how many times I dialed your number, only to hang up before anyone answered. But I worry about you. I know how much you blame yourself. You think you did something wrong to drive me away. You think you weren’t good enough. But you’re wrong! You were so perfect. You are so perfect. I’m so sorry about everything! I want you to know my desertion had nothing to do with you not being good enough. I left because I was – am – weak. Please stop blaming yourself. Heal your heart. You deserve so much more than I could ever offer. Please. I just want you to be happy.