I don’t think you can possibly understand how much you hurt me. I trusted you, opened myself up to you, and you bailed. You said you were there for me, that I wasn’t alone, and then when I needed you most, you turned and ran. Do you know what that did to me?

It made me scared to open up to anyone else. It made me scared to trust anyone else. It just reinforced the fact that when people see how messed up I really am, they leave. Because everyone leaves, eventually. And I know that new people are supposed to come in and fill in the cracks, but now I’m scared to let those new people in.

I know you did what you thought was right. I know that you did what was right for you. And I respect you, so I respect that. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I believed in you. You know what a big deal that was for me– it took me two years of you being there for me, telling me you would always be there, even when you were upset with me. My trust was so hard for you to earn.

Well, now you don’t have it anymore. I’m hurt and broken and scared. And alone. Even though you said I wasn’t. I have no one anymore, even though you said you were there and you would be there. Can’t you see how much I’m hurting? I come and tell you about my math grades, or whatever trivial things, because I miss you, but I wish you could see how much it kills me to be able to tell you about my math test grade, and the other good stuff but not the bad.

But lastly, I’m sorry. I know you said I didn’t owe you an apology, but I do. I’m sorry for being so angry at you. I’m sorry for asking so much of you (obviously too much of you) for so long. I’m sorry I put you in the position I put you in. And, most importantly, I’m sorry for not being the strong person you thought I was. I wish I could be. But I’m not.

I will always, ALWAYS, be grateful to you for all you’ve done for me. But I will never forgive you for abandoning me when I most needed to know that you were there. I’ll be friendly to you until I graduate, but once I leave, I’m gone. In June, it will be goodbye. Forever.

~B