Sometimes, when you give up on someone, it’s not because you don’t care anymore, but because you finally realize they don’t.
I know you’re really happy.
That has been so important to me for so long, you finally getting there makes a part of me feel good. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I didn’t act when it would have made a difference. You are an amazing person, the person that I have most admired, respected and cared about in my life and for you to love him, he must be pretty amazing too. I know you never meant to hurt me, I do know that. I’m sorry that you had to watch me fall apart – it wasn’t something I could help. I watched everyone and everything in my life I ever cared about slip away in one month with no warning and no way to stop it from happening. There were a lot of directions everything could have gone but I honestly never really saw this one. As hard as all that was, losing you was what truly broke me.
You have been my closest friend since you taught me what real trust is. You truly have been the one person in my life whom I was comfortable not hiding any parts of me… Whom I was comfortable letting inside completely. Everyone in life should get to experience what that is like but I know how truly rare it is. I miss you more than you could ever possibly realize – it’s like this 10 ton weight I carry with me every day. There is no way to not feel it there. There is no way to ignore it.
I read all these things about moving forward and letting go but no matter how many times you google “how to be happy” the answer never seems to come up. I’ve prayed every night for the past 3 years just for the tiniest nudge in right direction to help me move from where I’ve ended up and it never comes.
It feels like there is still so much left to say but there really is only one thing that is important: Nothing has ever felt so wrong as not having you as a part of my life – at least some part.
Please know, no matter where you are in life and no matter whatever mask I force myself to wear that day, behind it I’m thinking about you and your kids and I’m missing you all with all of me.