You broke my heart on a metro train.
You looked at me blankly, as if you had no idea what I was getting at. You told me you weren’t looking for a full on relationship right now… You were already in one, with me. You told me you were genuinely sorry, that you care for and value me as a friend, that you never meant for me to get hurt. You kept talking as if it were going to make any difference.
People sleeping together casually do not spend their days lazing around in bed, cuddling, going shopping and cooking together, taking care of each other when the shit hits the fan, going out for dinner together, talking about the world together. People in relationships, people falling in love, people in love do that.
People who have destroyed another person should not then set out to destroy them again, just because they cannot channel their own feelings. This is what you are doing to me. I am not strong enough to stop you. And even though I know that every time I let you kiss me, sleep with me, every time I even see you, you are doing this to me, I cannot help but see past all of that. To my mind, you always have been, and always will be, perfect. You take my pain away for the few hours I see you until it rears its ugly head the second you’re gone.
You can tell me all you’ve ever known is a relationship so that’s how you acted, that your ex broke you and now you can’t deal with the thought of anything serious for the time being, that if we had met at a different time we would be in a relationship by now until the cows come home. I will never understand why you let me fall, and did not catch me. I will never understand why you still can’t, why you let me feel this way and do not let me go.
I long to know whether we are just destined to remain almost, an almost so almost it hurts, or whether one day things might just fall into place. I tell people I am ok, I am not over you but I am ok. I am not ok.
You are what sends me to sleep and what keeps me awake. You are what keeps me going and what stops me breathing. You are not mine and yet my only. I wake up next to somebody strange and am sad, so sad, to find it’s not you. I don’t shake the disappointment all day. Somebody phones, texts, messages me and every time I hope it might be you.
We were perfect, almost. You are still perfect, to me. But you’re not ready. Somebody hurt you and I am paying for that, but I don’t know why.
Do I cut you out of my life? Or do I never let you go?