Jessy has left. You are sleeping. I am sitting here writing this with a weight on my heart that gets heavier every single day, and I don’t know when it was put there to begin with. I’m so lonely. In a relationship where I was so happy not so long ago, I now feel so alone, all the time.
You asked me what my religion meant to me. I couldn’t answer you. I am still not sure if I can. But I can try. How does a fish describe the sun that keeps the waters fluid? In a way, that’s how it is. I am here, you are here, everything in my world that is or has been is here because God created earth, and man. He gave man freedom to choose what to do with this life and earth. All that has filtered down to you and me. When I am scared beyond knowing if I’ll ever be calm again, I talk to God. When I am happy beyond remembering what sadness was, I talk to God. When I lose something I loved more than I ever could have known, I talk to God. And he is always there. He never speaks words back to me, but never in my life has anything not worked out. When things don’t make sense, God makes sense. There are times when it may seem like he had turned his back on the world. But the world was created with danger. We rise and we fall, and we have the option of getting back up. God is work and rest. God is waking up from a nightmare and realizing things are ok. God is a rock that is carried around in your pocket that you can reach in and feel, a small comfort of home. And if you need to, you can take it out and it will grow into a spot where you can rest a while. But God is always there.
As to our future, I am still struggling with deciding on anything. I don’t know how to do that when I don’t even feel like you are with me now. I have told you before, it is going to be hard for me to move away from the only home I have ever known, and away from my families, both blood and friends, that have been there for me through the hardest times in my life. But you are my family as well. And I have enough spirit in me that I know I could be happy somewhere else. As long as you’re there to help me. I cant though, just pick a state off a page and say let’s go here. Even reading about things isn’t exactly helpful. I can read until my eyes bleed, but that is one person’s interpretation. How am I to know if I will take it the same way. I consider myself to have the gift of making the best of whatever situation I am in. I will be more than happy to talk about states that you’d like to move to, but i can only offer what I know. And remember that when you talk to me about these things, you are asking me to imagine a life i have never lived. Away from a short drive to the closest people in my life. And that is so hard to think of. But, I am telling you honestly, if you want me with you, I will go with you to almost anywhere, but you have to let me know that I am wanted. Show me that I’m wanted Aaron, and this will be so much easier.
I feel lonely. I don’t feel wanted or appreciated. I feel like you are embarrassed to go out with me. For example, when we were going to Meijer after picking up our bowl, and I was ranting about getting jelly beans to put in it, and you told me in a voice clearly implying me to calm down, “Yes Jen, we can get jelly beans.” I know it was a small thing, but it is the first time I can remember you killing my enthusiasm. Why did you do that? Why, no matter how silly I was acting over some candy, would you make me feel bad about it? I could feel the joy leaving my eyes. Could you not see that? There were people around, but what did it matter? I was excited. I was happy. I may have been over the top…but I thought you preferred color to grey. I won’t change that part of me. I will not kill my enthusiasm over small things. I don’t know when I became a frustration to you. If I do something scatterbrained and you laugh…you aren’t laughing because it’s funny anymore. You are laughing at me and it hurts. It feels to me like you are laughing at my lack of sense, and I don’t see how that can make anyone feel good about themselves. How have we gone from you making me feel like I was so intelligent and worth the effort, to feeling like an embarrassment and a silly young girl?
Finally, when you came home from San Antonio, and I made you feel so horrible, and you told me. “It’s already happened Jen. You can’t change that. What are you going to do in the future?” And the very next day, I did everything I could to make amends. Your smile meant everything to me. Why don’t you take your own advice? It still hurts that you never did ANYTHING for our two year anniversary. Even after i brought up how much it hurt. The last time you took me on a date was last Valentines day. Over a year ago. I was excited about my review being briefly headlined on urbanspoon, and you pointed out a spelling mistake. All the work I’ve done with Izzi to get him into the advanced class was rewarded with a ‘Well Cool.’ I don’t feel like I am meeting your expectations, and i don’t know how to fix it. I am still being me, and you seem to like it less and less. I miss your eyes when you smile at me. I miss your arms wrapping around me just because you want to hold me. I miss hearing you tell me that you love me at random times just because my hair is a mess or because I’ve messed up a recipe and I am upset. I miss feeling that I have a partner. I miss my best friend. I miss you.
I know there are things I need to work on. I feel like I am on the right track. But I need to know you’ll still be at the end of the road when I get my train where it needs to go. I need to know you are still in love with me as much as I am still hopelessly in love with you, and I need to know that you still want me to grow with you.