• For all the people that think I deserve better

    by  • September 11, 2012 • To You • 0 Comments

    Some of you are probably wondering what the hell is it with this guy that makes him so special or why can’t they just let it go or why on earth would she ever forgive him let alone want to start a relationship after 10 years of unsuccessful attempts at dating mixed with a very unhealthy friendship and it has everything to do with seeing things from his perspective and just understanding.

    To start, he stole a very special place in my heart and just understood me more than anyone I’ve ever met. He got close enough to be the first person kiss me and not have me run away, I gave it a shot to the best of my capabilities and when we broke up you should of seen him. I felt so bad, he looked so sad and I really did understand. What I really wanted to happen that night was for him to just leave and just take some time to cool down. That didn’t happen and I never really learned to real reason why he was so angry with me from that point on. If it was because he honestly hated me or if he met the next girl already I guess it doesn’t matter to me while it could matter to others and I can see why but he was stupid and young and at that time in my life he just wasn’t the most important thing in my life and it was clear that what he needed in his life at that time was someone other than me. While I wish he could have been happy with what I could offer him at that time, that just wasn’t the case and ten years later, I’m over it.

    Talking and seeing each other and occasionally hanging out and flirting, whatever the case he was still an option for me but he either always had a girlfriend or was incredibly apprehensive. It doesn’t matter, for three years we still gave each other attention and we kissed and would mess around but it was just never then same. He never looked at me the same way and I just stayed true to myself and allowed him to walk all over me sometimes and yeah that time in our “relationship” pisses me off but only for the reason that he allowed himself to remain pissed at me resulting in many missed opportunities with me. he wouldn’t allow his guard down enough to get to know me or just be friends. It was like in his head we were nothing and never would be and he had no interest in budging- ever.

    When I started moving on at 19 with my new guy I think I woke him up miraculously. Do you think you know subconsciously that your life, your future and the most important person in your life has given up on you. That your entire life’s happiness has been compromised in a day? Fuck. He doesn’t make it easy on me but I can’t expect him to be as mature as I’ve been since I was 12. It’s just who we are. He doesn’t give a fuck and I care too much.

    All of sudden friends was ok by him, for whatever reason but nonetheless I was happy because at one time what I experienced with him was love and I felt like I got him back if only as friends.

    The next part, im not going to get into it, really stole my thunder and hollowed me out inside. He tried so hard to be everything I love about him. Not just sometimes but always. I don’t know the reason but our eyes could silently tell stories and it was hot. I believe we could have made things easier on ourselves and everyone else but he just couldn’t be single or date anyone else on the planet besides her. Whatever. If that’s how it had to happen I guess that’s how it had to happen.

    I really love him. We are literally perfect for each other. I don’t think many people in life click quite the way we do. Our views on almost everything just mesh in a way that makes you want to never leave the other person and I don’t even know that for sure but that’s just how it felt. At some point, falling in love with the person that I met when I was 16 trumped all of the evilness of our previous life of affairs that just wasn’t either of us. We both knew that we missed out I think. I forgave him because he just wasn’t the same person, plain and simple. And I honestly believed he wouldn’t hurt me again.

    I guess at some point I forgot that not seeing me for months could turn him back into a different version of that guy that I will forever fuck up verbally for the rest of my life and its taken me 3 more years to forgive him AGAIN and realize that the sweet guy that I fell in love with is back once again and realizes that I’m not fucking around. I will honestly leave you if you ever resort back to that person and put anyone before me ever again. Some people might think that I deserve better but I honestly believe I’ve hit that jackpot because I know how much he loves me. I honestly believe he has gotten rid of that persona for good.

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