that’s what you’ll always be to me. and i find it so fucked up that almost two years after we were almost together, i still think about you more than any one else. god, how could it have been two YEARS ago? the pain would be worth it, or at least understandable, if the time we spent together was even that great. but the truth is, i was too afraid to be vulnerable (and breakable) and you didn’t really realize what you had until i was gone.
the worst part is that i can’t talk to you or even hope that we run into each other because i made sure that that would never happen. i long for the closure that i never got and at this point, it doesn’t look like i’ll ever get it. and i can’t talk to anyone else about how i’m feeling bc i’m not supposed to be feeling this way. you were and still are an asshole (from what i hear) and i know that you are no good for me, even as a friend…
but it seems the more i try to convince myself to quit obsessing and move the fuck on, the more i care and hope that one day things will be different. and it’s because i let you in further than anyone has been allowed before or since. you were my very best friend. we could talk for hours about absolutely nothing, and we did just that most nights whenever we would hang out just driving around all over the city. and you shared my dark sense of humor that most people just can’t handle…i really do miss being able to say horribly hilarious things to you knowing that you weren’t going to judge me but would appreciate the fuck out of me for seeing the humor in a situation. you knew me so well and vice versa and i think that’s the part i miss the most. i miss having someone around me who could read me and wasn’t afraid to call me on my bullshit or insecurities.
no, i miss having YOU around. i just wish you had cared enough about me to get over your pride and fear and make me listen to you. but you didn’t. you let me walk out of your life, sending only enough random texts and fucking Facebook messages to help yourself sleep at night…because after all, you tried right?
that broke me, you know. it’s incredibly hard to realize that the people you love and care about the most never really gave a fuck about you and never will. you didn’t have to be around for the fallout of that night, but you should know just how much you hurt me. i couldn’t even think about you or my other (ex)friends without breaking down in tears… at home, in the car, everywhere. oh i hid it well, made sure to keep my happy, everything-is-fine mask on when i was around anyone else because, as always, i loathed being vulnerable and exposed. i know it’s partly my fault since i never said anything and i seem to always surround myself with the wrong kind of people, but i still deserved so much more than your pathetic attempts to mend our friendship. i deserved more than the small talk strangers routine you adopted whenever we were forced to interact. i deserved the actions to back up your empty words and declarations…if you had really wanted me to stay in your life, if you NEEDED me to, you would have reached up under your fucking skirt and reminded yourself that you’re a man – you would have made me listen to you no matter what and despite your fears.
ultimately, i am so much better off without you in my life. this year has been nothing but amazing and i am the happiest i’ve been in a long time.
but that doesn’t mean i don’t miss you.
i think i’m always going to miss you a little bit.