Jumbled Mess
by admin • September 1, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 5 Comments
I’ve pushed it so far. It makes me wonder if I can turn this ship around and start over. Probably not. I’ve alienated everyone who’s been good to me due to my paranoia and selfishness. I’m so self absorbed to think that every conversation is secretly about me. I’ve still yet to be disproved on this theory, but the odds are they aren’t. The ones that have been there by my side regardless of if I’ve asked them to be or not, are the ones that I’ve neglected the most. Sometimes we’re quick to assume others’ intent when we’re trying to decipher friend from foe. In my case I decided to put pretty much everyone under the title of foe. I don’t know why I do the things I do. I’m ashamed of some of the choices I’ve made. The deceit, the selfishness, the disdained; I’m ashamed of it all. I’ve lied for so long that I feel that I cannot just show my cards and say sorry. They’d hate me for it. So again secrecy is my solution. I’ve been trying to fix the problems I’ve made for myself alone. It’s so hard. Sometimes you just need help. But I can’t ask for it. So I push all of you away again.
Ask me, try to have faith…and I would help, no matter what. I would never let go for truth, anybody who would, is not worth keeping close, who cares if some would hate you! Most of us have things in the past that we are not proud of! Show your cards, start being you, you can do it. Not easy, but worth it. You are NOT alone in this! Please don’t push, open up and let true love in. Change is good no matter how hard, if in the right direction for you, stop lying! Most of all stop lying to yourself…
but…is this you?
Does this have to do with June?
Does this have to do with realizing you like me again and realizing because we never talked it out, nothing will happen?
If you feel you have wronged so many people, it’s never too late to for an apology. It doesn’t have to be something formal, just a simple message detailing how your perspective has changed and you see your past faults. Even if you believe they wouldn’t care to hear you out, it would be the ideal way to move away from your past mistakes and mark a new chain of behavior.
Honesty, and kindness start with self…… Show your cards, make amends and keep those that stick by you in your life. Especially if they’ll call you on your shit (it’ll help you keep yourself on track)
Start today! Live life and enjoy!
It’s more complicated than it seems. I haven’t slighted anyone but myself. I’ve lied to people about my own issues. I understand that they might be trying to help, but I’d rather not be a burden. And no this isn’t about june unless ak stands Ashley Kay. But even then no not really ha.