I’ve pushed it so far. It makes me wonder if I can turn this ship around and start over. Probably not. I’ve alienated everyone who’s been good to me due to my paranoia and selfishness. I’m so self absorbed to think that every conversation is secretly about me. I’ve still yet to be disproved on this theory, but the odds are they aren’t. The ones that have been there by my side regardless of if I’ve asked them to be or not, are the ones that I’ve neglected the most. Sometimes we’re quick to assume others’ intent when we’re trying to decipher friend from foe. In my case I decided to put pretty much everyone under the title of foe. I don’t know why I do the things I do. I’m ashamed of some of the choices I’ve made. The deceit, the selfishness, the disdained; I’m ashamed of it all. I’ve lied for so long that I feel that I cannot just show my cards and say sorry. They’d hate me for it. So again secrecy is my solution. I’ve been trying to fix the problems I’ve made for myself alone. It’s so hard. Sometimes you just need help. But I can’t ask for it. So I push all of you away again.