At the moment, I’m very sad…sitting in Starbucks, listening to music you recommended to me, which is in a strange, dueling banjos sort of competition with the Starbs selection.
I will not be defeated.
In an effort to not be sad, I will instead be angry…and with that anger I plan on also being productive.
Because then at least I’m doing something.
This coffee is giving me the shakes.
Or perhaps, it’s the blind rage.
Maybe a little of both. (No, it’s the rage…though this toffee nut, soy coffee is magnificent.)
So here is a list of all the reasons why you suck.
1. Your stupid, short shorts. Move on, Baby Gap.
2. You try too hard to be “different.” You’re not philosophical, you’re a 22-year-old man boy.
3. Pay for something every once in a while. Shit. I’m sick of buying your chicken sandwiches for you.
4. You used me. I could’ve been anyone.
5. You’re not meek. You’re weak.
6. You look for yourself in others, instead of appreciating them for who they are.
7. You have dandruff. I’m sorry, but you do. It’s gross.
8. You’re a horny little bastard. And trust me, it’s not charming.
9. You are so lazy. Get a job, dude. Do your homework. Do something. Do anything.
10. You got fired for falling asleep at work. (See above.)
11. You use people for what they can give you. Take. Take. Take. Douche bag.
12. Your mom shouldn’t have to write you a “to-do” list anymore. You’re 22. (See numbers 3, 9, and 10.)
13. Putting your own songs on a cd for someone else isn’t always nice, it’s narcissistic.
14. You’re a dick to your mom. That makes you a mega-dick. (Something you also don’t have…just in case you thought you did.)
15. You took advantage of me, like a frat boy in an Adam Sandler movie and for that, I will always think terribly of you.
Don’t text me.
Don’t tweet me.
You’re not clever.