Dear everyone at my “church family” and anyone else who has ever fucked me over:
Yeah, you guys are liars. I spent over a year getting ready for a mission trip, training and praying with you guys, and you all paint this huge incredible picture of how much everyone there loves each other, and how much they want to help people over there and that no matter what they would always be there for me. Seriously? You guys are the biggest hypocrites in the entire world. I was in JFK about to get on to the flight to go to Manchester, and my passport went completely fucking missing and only one person stopped to pray with me and offer any sort of consolation? Fuck you guys. If you can’t help someone within your own “family” why the hell do you think you should be qualified to fly over the ocean and help someone else? You guys will be coming home on Monday, I’m going to church tomorrow, but I don’t know if I’m ever going to go to that church again ever after that. All I know is that there’s going to be so many people lifting them up on a fucking pedestal and praising them, and they’ll take it all. I know a thing or two about God, and that’s not how he would do it. When someone is down or sad, He helps them, not pushes them aside to make room for someone with seemingly bigger problems. All I’m going to hear when you guys come back is that “God had a reason for it”. What’s the fucking reason? This week has literally been my own personal hell, going through every single horrible thing in my life yet again, even the things that no one should ever have to deal with. But do you think that I’m going to talk about that when you guys get back? Nope. I’m gonna keep a smile on my face. I won’t let anyone ever know how much you guys hurt me. I’ve been hurt a lot, and seeing the fact that NO ONE cared, had to be the worst part. Fuck you guys. Fuck the fact that I can feel my heart breaking over and over again. Fuck the suicidal thoughts that have come back. But no way in hell would I ever go through with it, that would give you guys too much pleasure. I hate feeling like this, I really do. I wish someone would see this, but I guess that’s why I’m putting it here, so that no one will ever see it and I can still get it off of my chest. I don’t really know how to end this, I’ve put almost all of the thoughts I’ve been feeling out there, and now I just feel numb. I just want someone to care, and honestly truly care. Is that seriously too much to ask for?