• Liars and hypocrites are the ones closest to home.

    by  • August 11, 2012 • To You • 2 Comments

    Dear everyone at my “church family” and anyone else who has ever fucked me over:

    Yeah, you guys are liars. I spent over a year getting ready for a mission trip, training and praying with you guys, and you all paint this huge incredible picture of how much everyone there loves each other, and how much they want to help people over there and that no matter what they would always be there for me. Seriously? You guys are the biggest hypocrites in the entire world. I was in JFK about to get on to the flight to go to Manchester, and my passport went completely fucking missing and only one person stopped to pray with me and offer any sort of consolation? Fuck you guys. If you can’t help someone within your own “family” why the hell do you think you should be qualified to fly over the ocean and help someone else? You guys will be coming home on Monday, I’m going to church tomorrow, but I don’t know if I’m ever going to go to that church again ever after that. All I know is that there’s going to be so many people lifting them up on a fucking pedestal and praising them, and they’ll take it all. I know a thing or two about God, and that’s not how he would do it. When someone is down or sad, He helps them, not pushes them aside to make room for someone with seemingly bigger problems. All I’m going to hear when you guys come back is that “God had a reason for it”. What’s the fucking reason? This week has literally been my own personal hell, going through every single horrible thing in my life yet again, even the things that no one should ever have to deal with. But do you think that I’m going to talk about that when you guys get back? Nope. I’m gonna keep a smile on my face. I won’t let anyone ever know how much you guys hurt me. I’ve been hurt a lot, and seeing the fact that NO ONE cared, had to be the worst part. Fuck you guys. Fuck the fact that I can feel my heart breaking over and over again. Fuck the suicidal thoughts that have come back. But no way in hell would I ever go through with it, that would give you guys too much pleasure. I hate feeling like this, I really do. I wish someone would see this, but I guess that’s why I’m putting it here, so that no one will ever see it and I can still get it off of my chest. I don’t really know how to end this, I’ve put almost all of the thoughts I’ve been feeling out there, and now I just feel numb. I just want someone to care, and honestly truly care. Is that seriously too much to ask for?

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    2 Responses to Liars and hypocrites are the ones closest to home.

    1. friend
      August 11, 2012 at 9:17 pm

      hi,

      my name’s gus. well, it’s actually gustav, but most everyone calls me gus cuz it’s easier. sounds like you had a rather rough go of the trip 🙁 dude, you have some deep thoughts about God, i think. i know it may seem crazy, and it’s so small i wonder if it’ll even make a difference, but i’ve met you now and you’ve met me, and you know i’m listening. yeesh, i’m making not much sense tonight, apologies haha. my point is this: you said “… and now i just feel numb. I just want someoen to care, and honestly truly care. Is that seriously too much to ask for?” ergo, here i am, small though i may be. i know i’m only one in however many billion people are in the world now, and i’m just words on your computer screen to you, but i care. i’d love to listen if you’d love to talk, no judge, no interruption, no “here’s the answer, looks like you’ve been doing it wrong.”

      i care. (like, honestly, truly care.)

      wanna talk?

      — friend. aka, gus




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    2. Hannah
      August 18, 2012 at 12:22 am

      I just checked back on this letter, thanks gus. It does make a difference believe it or not. I don’t know, God has always been a HUGE part of my life, and I’ve always believed in him, even in the hard times, and believe me there have been some seriously hard times, but just feeling this abandoned and like no one cares has really honestly sucked. I’ve worked so hard to try to make a difference, what I’m good at is making other people feel good basically and making them smile, and I just wanna make a difference. Like, I dunno I don’t wanna die without knowing that I will have changed someones life. Does that make sense? I feel like even though I’m so tiny and insignificant, I really can make a difference somehow. I feel it in my gut. But, when something this hard goes on, and theres sooooo much more than just this, I really have been through hell this week, and there’s no one there for me, it makes me start to question why I care so much, and why should I keep trying when no one else does. I mean, like with all of the shit I’ve been through, I just wanna use it. I still feel numb. It’s almost 3:30 am my time, I can’t remember the last time I fell asleep before now. My mind won’t stop racing. Everythings just gotten really hard /:




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