It’s been a year and a few months since you ended it all. It is going to be my last semester of college, and you’re going to Europe for a study abroad.

The worst part of it all is knowing that there is a very large probability that I will get a job in a different state, and that I won’t get to say goodbye to you or ever see you if that happens. A year after it all ended, I still love you. I don’t know if you do, you don’t even acknowledge my existence anymore.

Other things have to change too, I have to grow up. Become an adult, become self sufficient. Find a job, a place to live. Learn how to drive. But mostly, learn how to forget about you; which I still haven’t done after this time.

I know that if I don’t, I will drive myself crazy.

You changed so much, from a sweet innocent girl who wouldn’t drink at parties; you’ve become someone who gets wasted and kisses girls at parties. Someone who parties too much, and yet you still want to keep yourself for marriage? That scares me the most. You’re going to a different continent, where standards are different. Thinking of you, of what other boys will try and probably do to you if you get wasted; will kill me. Knowing you started dating some guy on the day it happened, was one of the shittiest feelings. I can only imagine how much worse it will get, letting my mind float on it’s own and imagining the worst of cases.

I had a dream of meeting you at a party, you got wasted. I took you back to my room, and on the way there you told me it hadn’t been the first time you’d gone back to some guy’s dorm. You even pointed out you had condoms in your purse.

I woke up in distress, worried as hell. I know this will only continue if I don’t learn how to forget about you.

That also scares me the most, removing you from my heart. I want you to come back so badly, that I’m afraid removing you from my mind and heart will destroy any chance of being with you again.

I’m scared of growing up.