Tonight.
by admin • August 1, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 5 Comments
Tonight I renounce my beliefs on everything. I tried to believe. I tried to make myself believe there were angels, even one watching over me. I never really believed in a God, I was too realistic for that, but when it came to death I had a belief. I could believe in something cause no one knew and no one understood what happened after death. I didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell, I believed in Reincarnation. It made sense to me because I didn’t believe we were just walking talking thinking shells I believed we had a soul that would move on after the body withered and died. While not believing in sin i did believe that how ones action and the way they lived their life effected how they would be reborn. It wasn’t logical to me but it was something, something I could hope for.
Now… Now I have a different belief. Now i believe that once a creature dies that’s it, game over. I believe rather than a bright light at the end of a tunnel it’s just black. When you die it will be black and cold. Nothing more. Forever in a cold darkness alone. However you would have thought so it won’t matter. You’ll simply shut your eyes for the last time like your falling asleep but you wont dream, there will be nothing.
Why this new found realization?
Tonight. Tonight I got further then ever before, but i will still so far from succeeding. Tonight I had the pills in my mouth. Tonight I almost swallowed 2700mg worth of codeine. Tonight though, tonight I panicked, I panicked at the last minute. I spit them out and broke down again. But Tonight I got closer than ever before. Tonight I realized I am weak, I am a failure and tonight I realized there’s nothing. There’s no angel watching out for me, no it wasn’t an angel who made me spit out the pills, it was the forcibly natural need, desire, instinct the human body has to live that made me spit out the pills.
I’ve stopped crying. I don’t know for how long now, maybe a few minutes maybe a few days maybe even a few months. Tonight though, Tonight was another failure, but tomorrow, tomorrow I put on a smile and dance with my students and joke with the little once. Tomorrow… Tomorrow, I pretend tonight didn’t happen. Tomorrow I wake up, shower, get dressed and put make up on, tomorrow is going to happen for me whether I want it to or not. Tonight though. Tonight will end once I close my eyes and sleep.
Tonight is done.
Tonight will be buried.
Tomorrow is inevitable.
Tomorrow will be lived.
hi
first thing first, i don’t know if it matters to you, but i care about you. i am curious about one thing: you say you believe there’s nothing after life, literally just nothing. what made you stop from swallowing the pills?
–Gustav
I believe that time is an endless cycle that will allow our souls to be reborn. Death is just a prolonged sleep. Don’t give into Death. He’s not ready for you yet.
was that an author comment or no?
–friend
No, I don’t believe the author has seen the comments
In response to Gustav’s question “what made you stop from swallowing the pills?” As i stated in the letter “it was the forcibly natural need, desire, instinct the human body has to live that made me spit out the pills. ”
Tonight though, was different, Tonight that need, desire, instinct, was gone. I did take all the pills, hours ago. But all it did was make me itchy and a little sleepy. Its alright though. I’m alright, well as alright as I can be.
– The original letter poster/author.
evie
i got that, but there have been so many people who that hasn’t stopped. do you truly have nothing in your life worth living for? because i hate to see anyone throw away their life like it’s nothing, for any reason… :/
–Gustav
(p.s. love your name)