Tonight I renounce my beliefs on everything. I tried to believe. I tried to make myself believe there were angels, even one watching over me. I never really believed in a God, I was too realistic for that, but when it came to death I had a belief. I could believe in something cause no one knew and no one understood what happened after death. I didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell, I believed in Reincarnation. It made sense to me because I didn’t believe we were just walking talking thinking shells I believed we had a soul that would move on after the body withered and died. While not believing in sin i did believe that how ones action and the way they lived their life effected how they would be reborn. It wasn’t logical to me but it was something, something I could hope for.
Now… Now I have a different belief. Now i believe that once a creature dies that’s it, game over. I believe rather than a bright light at the end of a tunnel it’s just black. When you die it will be black and cold. Nothing more. Forever in a cold darkness alone. However you would have thought so it won’t matter. You’ll simply shut your eyes for the last time like your falling asleep but you wont dream, there will be nothing.
Why this new found realization?
Tonight. Tonight I got further then ever before, but i will still so far from succeeding. Tonight I had the pills in my mouth. Tonight I almost swallowed 2700mg worth of codeine. Tonight though, tonight I panicked, I panicked at the last minute. I spit them out and broke down again. But Tonight I got closer than ever before. Tonight I realized I am weak, I am a failure and tonight I realized there’s nothing. There’s no angel watching out for me, no it wasn’t an angel who made me spit out the pills, it was the forcibly natural need, desire, instinct the human body has to live that made me spit out the pills.
I’ve stopped crying. I don’t know for how long now, maybe a few minutes maybe a few days maybe even a few months. Tonight though, Tonight was another failure, but tomorrow, tomorrow I put on a smile and dance with my students and joke with the little once. Tomorrow… Tomorrow, I pretend tonight didn’t happen. Tomorrow I wake up, shower, get dressed and put make up on, tomorrow is going to happen for me whether I want it to or not. Tonight though. Tonight will end once I close my eyes and sleep.
Tonight is done.
Tonight will be buried.
Tomorrow is inevitable.
Tomorrow will be lived.