I remember the first time I met you, it wasn’t love at first sight, no I didn’t for a moment think that you would still be here a year and a half later. I was having fun in my life, a true bachelorette, but I did want to see you again, if only for a few nights of fun. Except you took over my life, I thought that I loved you, I thought this through wine filled eyes, so silly to even think that I said “I might love you” out loud, and I said it very confidently, I thought I knew what I wanted. I remember your response, and I remember being filled with regret, oh yes you loved me back, I was like no one you had ever met…but we are committed now, “You’ll never know the touch of another man again”. And those words took over my life, you started working away at my friends too, no I would never see any more men or woman for that matter, it was just you and me now.
You read my journal, I know you always tell me to “Get over it”, but I just can’t. First it was my journal, then you went through my phone, then you stole the contacts, and lastly you started working on my home. You moved yourself right in, bought a ring for me that had to stay on my finger, through water, and mud, it was never to come off. I was yours now, and for better or worse we would one day be together forever.
I use to sneak off, there were a few men I will admit, I couldn’t give you every piece of me, you had taken so much, sometimes I felt like at the end of the day all I was was just a puddle of skin on the floor, you’d stolen the very core of my being. You were right to be paranoid, you were right that I fooled around, maybe I cheated, but if people could see me, the way I was before you…they would understand. You wouldn’t be the victim, no one would blame me for wanting a glimpse of freedom. Oh I didn’t have sex with everyone, but I had long emotional, educated, meaningful, laughter filled conversations. I was once a woman, you managed to turn me into a girl, took away 10 years of control, life experiences that shaped me. There was once a pretty awesome person behind my eyes, you managed with every comment, situation, loss of a friend…..you managed to take all the joy out of breathing. Couldn’t even go to the bathroom for 5 minutes without you banging on the door.
And so before I pour myself my 4th drink tonight I just thought I’d throw it out there that someday I am going to leave you. The plan is being shaped, its being well built, I’ve put enough thought into it even if you were watching. I wonder if you are getting paranoid, because its getting harder to hide the fire in my eyes, you always commented how beautiful my eyes were when I was mad, and as time went on there was barely any energy left to even muster up a flicker. And that’s all I really want to tell you, is that someday I am going to get out of here.