I’ve had so many conversations with you in my head that it isn’t even funny. Positive conversations, negative conversations, and absurd conversations. I suppose in my head I just continue conversations we’ve already had, but now with the courage to say everything that I wanted to. You’re gone now, and it’s probably for the best because I may have overwhelmed you with everything I wanted to say if you were here. Sometimes I do try to say things, but you just chalk it up to me drunk texting or messaging you. You don’t realize that the important ones are when I’m sober. Like the ones that say you’re a beautiful person and that I want so desperately for you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. Or when I sent you a message when I was horribly upset and ready to give up on everything, I was seeking solace in you. Of course, you never respond. You don’t have to. I’m not entirely sure if I really want to know what your response would be.
One night, months ago, we were sitting outside talking. I was upset, and you were helping make things better. You did that a lot back then. I was sitting behind a fence, and you were on the stairs, and there were so many barriers between us, real and imaginary. I couldn’t stop myself from asking you if you ever noticed the symbolism in everyday situations. It was a strange comment from a sad girl, I suppose, because you asked me what I meant, whether I was talking about something in particular, a current situation or what. I don’t think I ever fully answered. I was thinking about how I hid myself behind a fence when I was talking to you, needing to have some kind of barrier between us because if there wasn’t a barrier I was afraid that I would open up too much and all of the secrets would come pouring out. But now I wish I had that openness with you. I can pretend sometimes that things are the same, but sometimes when I actually see you, I shut you out. Just like sometimes you shut me out.
And now I have such an intense wanderlust, and I don’t intend to take anyone with me when I leave this place. I know there are people that would go with me if I asked them to, such as my brother or certain friends. But for now I intend to set off on my own. I can’t leave anytime soon because of certain obligations, of course, but I have a general idea of where I’m going when I do. I wish you could be the person to go with me.
Being with you could be so easy, if only we could actually be. I hope our paths cross again one day.