Why am I sabotaging our relationship already in my mind? We’ve only just taken it to the level of a real, boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. But why do I keep having terrible thoughts?
I am questioning so many things.
You are so different from my type, the type that obviously failed me before, but I’m so afraid that means it won’t work out either.
I fear falling in love. Or, more so, I fear I cannot. I have only once before. I have had excitement and smittenness over other guys, but I only have loved one man so far in my life. We were together for four years and he turned out to be completely wrong for me, detrimental to me and my self esteem, actually. But I didn’t know at first and I feel head over heels for him. Thought I would marry him. our love was a torrid one, the kind of crazy ones you see in movies, wrapped up in each other, fighting like dogs then loving each other like crazy, him often begging me to forgive him, crying, telling me how much he loved me. It was NOT healthy. It was a whirlwind of emotion and we were much, much too enveloped with each other to see how bad it all was.
With you, the feelings are quiet. They are slow. I enjoy my time with you and I miss you when you aren’t around, i am genuinely smitten with the things you do and say and the texts you send me, but there’s no overwhelming craziness. It is all i know and so it is all i judge as love. What if i can’t do that again? What if i won’t feel that way with you? What if me questioning it all is keeping me from feeling that way with you? What if this is better, safer, healthier, but I don’t know how to accept that?
Why am I making problems where there are none? We are so good together. We are happy together. But I have so much anxiety. Is it us? Or is it just me? If I was dating anyone else, maybe it’d all be the same. Maybe i’d have all the same questions.
How do I make these damaging thoughts stop? I just want to enjoy us and stop worrying.