Every single night ever since I saw your face again (after what, 3 or 4 years?)
Every single night I have stayed up, craving you as if you were a drug I had become addicted to, gave up, and then rediscovered.
I can’t figure it out.
Just seeing your face. You. WAVING at me. You WAVED at me. You acknowledged ME. You did! You. I felt this warmth and this familiarity and this presence that I had long forgotten existed. But did you know, I had been having dreams about you a few weeks prior to that encounter? It’s because I had a boyfriend and he was amazing and I couldn’t figure out why amazing wasn’t good enough. But my subconscious kept reminding me. You. Fucking perfection. So I started being really distant and cold with him. I couldn’t help it. It was like someone had knocked me over the head and said, “THIS is what you’re settling for, when there are people like Him?? People who give you this feeling with just a look. One look. Eye contact. And suddenly you are melting and you don’t know why. And it takes you a few minutes to pull your pieces back together and get on with life. Don’t you want THAT to be YOURS?” Anyway. Those thoughts took their toll and suddenly I was a bitch of a girlfriend and I couldn’t stop. I could feel myself being sulky but it just kept happening. He kept asking, are you okay? I said yes, because I was. I was okay, but something was terribly wrong.
So that night, I believe, very late that night, these hours when every cell in my body cries your name…that night, I contacted you, I had to. And the way you replied. The fact that you replied. Was just like the wave.
Really I’m irrational. Really this has to be love.
Because it’s different with you. I feel like people can feel my affection for you, constantly.
Because it’s always BEEN you. Because I knew that in the seventh grade, and sure a few years made me think I had been foolish, but because that feeling has not faded.
I AM irrational! Can’t you see?? A wave is just a wave. You wave at someone if you haven’t seen them in a long time. When I had seen you that one time, I had jabbed you in the back. It was meant to be a poke. You turned around slowly and I waved and grinned sheepishly and THEN you waved back, looking uncomfortable, and I left and no words were exchanged and it seemed to have gone awfully, far worse than it was supposed to go, in my head.
And a text is just a text. Fuck. Nothing has changed and I will be loving you and you won’t understand ever and fuck it this sucks.
I’m so sorry