If the tears of a broken heart could erase all the sadness, they wouldn’t be so clear.
It has been nearly five months since that fateful encounter and yet I still think of you. Today, I thought I saw you. I thought you came out of a car and that she was with you. My heart stopped. For the next hour, my stomach was in knots. Only now am I beginning to think (or rather hope) that it was due to the disgust and distaste of your presence.
It has been painful, these last several months, without you in my life. Do I want you back in it? No. Not at all.
Am I lying?
Even now I cannot explain the attraction I felt towards you. I wanted to protect you, and destroy you. What a twisted love. I wanted to have you beg for me, but I also wanted to beg for you. Had I been given the chance, I wanted to be that unconditional love you had often dreamed of. But no, you had to be a coward.
You had to destroy me and never own up to it. I could have forgiven you had you admitted your new relationship to me… I could have at least given you the decency of a clean break from me… I deserved to know. You broke my heart, you knew it, and yet you refused to own up to your mistake.
No matter how many times I said it was okay, how could you have believed it?! How were you able to look into my eyes and not see the love I had for you?
My core trembled every time you touched me, do you have any idea how hard it was for me to stop myself from throwing you down and loving you completely? You asked me why I agreed to things…you knew, why did I have to tell you…
You knew I wasn’t the type of person to throw herself at anyone. I loved you. I wanted nothing more than to be noticed by you, why did you have to corrupt that? What good did it bring you? All you did was throw me into the sea of despair I had struggled so hard to keep away from. I was distraught. It was as if I wasn’t even good enough to be told to my face… even after I ran into you two, I was not good enough. I was never good enough.
But you are wrong. I am good enough. I was more than good enough and that’s why you sought to destroy me. You saw the demons that dwelt behind my brown eyes and my happy smile and you wished to bring them out. You couldn’t handle seeing me happy. I apologize for not victimizing myself like you did. I cannot live my life hating everything. I love too many people, and I am loved by too many as well.
I never wanted to play that game of yours. I just wanted to love you and be by your side. If you had been honest with me, with your feelings, you wouldn’t still be a complete emotional mess.
Face it, she may make you happy now, but your sadness runs deeper than that. It is only a matter of time before you realize how truly unhappy you are. I know this, because I know you. I wonder who will help pick up those pieces…
I loved you, solely for you…sadness and all.
Sadly, I cannot hate you. Even when everyone else pushes me to, I do not have the heart to hate you. I am simply waiting for the time when you finally graduate. Only then will I be able to live comfortably.
Fate is cruel. It’s been two years since I first saw you and yet She still manages to bring you into my path every now and again.