I’ve had a hurricane of feelings the past few hours and I need to get this out.
I feel guilty. It doesn’t matter which way you spin it, I’m at fault for hurting someone. So instead, I’m in pain. Maybe I just won’t ever have love. Did you ever just want something more for yourself? Start to demand more respect for yourself only to have it backfire in your face to the point of emotional-physical pain? I’m so angry, to the point of disgustion. I feel no forgiveness. Only a longing for a person that doesn’t exist. Someone who is capable of so much greed and ego. A long for a person who I thought was smarter than that. It’s taken me three years to come to terms with that fact that it was all a lie. It doesn’t exist. It’s inadmissable in court. IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED. You’ve never cared about what I want, what I need, until now. Why is that do you think? It’s your best defense. You really don’t love me. You still don’t know what love is, you think what you feel is love. It’s not. It’s desperation and it makes me sick. You’ve put me in a corner that not only puts my life on hold, but makes me feel guilty for falling in love with anyone else. You are done running me, do you understand?
I feel words, regardless of whose fingers they come from, they come from his eyes and for a second I’m filled with a feeling of safety. Like he’s not going to make me go back to you. Like he refuses to let me go, even though I know he’s not strong enough to feel it. But it feels good that it’s not you. It feels good to have that hope that God hasn’t counted me out and there is something so special waiting for me at the end of this. Someone who can exceed all expectations and make me forget about you and what you’ve done to me. I was in love with you. It has been so hard to try to think that I can forget those feelings and be as madly in love with him as I was with you. What if that could happen. I wish more than anything that that could happen.
What was it that I did to you that wasn’t good enough? What didn’t I do for you? I loved you unconditionally for years to have you destroy me. You destroyed me. And at some point, you liked it. I’ve never belonged with someone like you. I’m that girl that fell for the first guy that told her how beautiful she was and the rest is history. Loving you has ruined me and I can’t tell you how good it feels to be there and not want to see you. To feel like I have something worth while that doesn’t involve you. Something that you can’t wiggle your way into and bomb. You selfish bastard.
I feel guilty and I hate you. I hate you for giving me ideas that don’t serve me and making me feel like I’ll never love like that again. It scares the hell out of me. That I will never shake you, but I have to. I pray to God that he can give me the strength to go on and give me that fresh start that I’m asking for today. I don’t want this guilt, the hurt, this responsibility, this longing- anymore. I want to live my life without thinking about you, worrying about you or allowing you to set any kind of bar for the next guy because that bar should be burned.