• I Just Don’t Know How I Feel Anymore

    by  • July 22, 2012 • Grief, Those Gone Before Us • 0 Comments

    I am honestly really confused right now. And angry. So angry.

    At the world for taking you.
    At this life for claiming so many people that I love before their time.
    I’m confused at how I managed to laugh today.
    I’m at a loss with where life is taking me now.
    I don’t know what I feel. I don’t even know it I really feel anything.

    It wasn’t even a week ago and I got the call telling me that you were in critical condition after your accident. It set me into a state of shock and fear. Fear of losing you as such situations have claimed people I love in the past. But also the fear in knowing that it was completely out of my hands. That for the first time in our lives lived together; I couldn’t be the one to save you. I’m so sorry.

    I remember the first moment I set eyes on you. I thought you were cute. You were kicking a ball with some guys from the year above and it rolled my way and you yelled “Hey girl, kick it over if you can!” (You were always a cocky bastard xx). A couple of the guys kinda smirked and being the cheeky ten year old that I was, I drove the ball halfway across the pitch and yelled “Go fetch”. You threw me the biggest and brightest grin that I’ve ever seen in my life and in that moment you had me. I just knew something would come of us. You had that spark and you never lost it.

    We shared the works, really. The early days of innocence, playing basketball in front of my garage. The early days of stupidity, trying funny things and trying to blend in with the ‘cool’ scene. The beginning of growing up, realizing our pains, mistakes and regrets. We backed each other, we supported each other. We knew each other.

    But most importantly, through everything, we loved each other. And as much as it pains me to have loved you and then have lost you… I am so very glad to have known you…

    Nobody will ever know how close we were, but in all honesty I think that’s kinda cool. We had nothing to prove and all that mattered was each other. We made our own world and nobody can or ever will take that from us. It was hard when I moved away but we managed to see each other. But it smashed me up inside when you moved to Berlin.

    I saw you a couple of months ago… The first and only time I’ve seen you since you moved away six years ago. Even though it was only for a morning and all we did was go out for breakfast and talk about stuff from the past, it is one of my happiest memories. I’ve been replaying it in my mind these last few days. Spilling maple syrup on your pants and trying to lick it off makes me warm inside. You were such a dork. I love you so much it should be illegal. You were so happy and you were still flashing that smile.

    I’m just kinda writing non-stop and as I feel, so please forgive the sharp turns that this letter contains. Two days ago, nobody could speak to me if they tried. I was a disaster. I’ve been a disaster since I heard the news. But today I had a good day and I even laughed a few times. It felt good but it was partnered with a horrible guilt. I felt like I held no right to laugh at such a time. I know how stupid that is and people have said the same thing to me before. But I just don’t get it. I am up and down, side to side, forward, backwards. I am dysfunctional and I am scared.

    You’ve always been there for me and I’ve always been there for you. I feel horrible that we got into a habit of ONLY talking about our problems at a stage. We missed out on sharing so many happy memories too…. I wish that I did a few things slightly differently.

    I shouldn’t have yelled at you for all that stupid stuff…. Half of it wasn’t your fault and you only ever wanted what you thought was best for me.
    I should have never ignored those skype calls from you when I was on the phone or couldn’t be bothered being social. I know how hard it was to find skype times to suit us both…
    I should have told you that I loved you every single day.
    I should have never hurt you with my words.

    Getting all choked up again. This is becoming a frequent emotion. Fucking hell.

    I don’t wanna fight the battle of life without you by my side. I’m struggling to know whether I can after everything.
    I don’t wanna ‘live the dream’ when I know you aren’t here anymore to share and live my dreams with.

    I don’t want to accept a world without you. It’s like inviting a world of shadows without a single promise of sunshine. I know that’s dark and dramatic but I don’t really give a fuck. I’m a mess and I’m fucking allowed.

    You mean the world to me. One day we’ll be together again, sitting on a cloud and laughing at the crazy world below. We’ll have a smoke and a giggle, holding hands and talking smack about nothing and everything. Until then, I’m missing you with all my heart…

    You’re my boy. You’ll always be my boy xxx

    Until the next adventure… x
    <3 Flow

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