HELP! But really…

I never thought I’d be the kind of girl who was inclined to cheat. I’m sure everyone who cheats has their own list of good reasons, great excuses. But we all know that doesn’t make it okay, don’t we? I know I’m guilty, yes, but I try to tell myself that because it’s not out of maliciousness, it’s somehow not as bad. I’m not trying to break anyone’s heart, I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on with mine…

I don’t know if I should trust my feelings or not. After all, they led me to stay in a relationship with someone for years who broke my heart and tore my self-esteem to shreds on a weekly, often daily, basis. I was naive and stupid and somehow believed that if you love someone enough, they’ll begin to love you back. But despite how much he hurt me, I remember how hooked on him I was. Being apart from him was like missing a piece of myself. Seeing him across the room or looking at a picture of him sent butterflies into my stomach and sparked some of the strongest emotions I have ever known.

Since him, I’ve had my hopes let down and my expectations shattered more times than I can recall. They were always the same kind of guy. Charming and confident, attractive and smart, but not looking for anything serious serious.

Then suddenly, I found someone who wanted more. He’s the perfect boyfriend. The kind of guy who surprises me with flowers just because. The kind who gets genuine satisfaction out of making my day. He always says goodnight, tells me I’m beautiful, reminds me how proud he is of me. He makes time for me no matter what and listens to everything I have to say, no matter how dramatic or emotional I’m being. I love spending time with him. I love the way he understands me without me having to explain myself. I know that he’s a catch. I know from experience that guys like him are rare, valuable, worth holding onto.

But as much as I try, as much as I want there to be, there are no butterflies. I don’t yearn for him. Yes, I like him and I want him in my life. But at the same time, I know that even after 9 months together, I could never see him again and be just fine. I don’t see a picture of him and feel overwhelmed with pride that I can call him my boyfriend. I don’t need him.

So is it me? Or is it him? At times I think that maybe I’ve grown so accustom to assholes, so used to having to wonder how a guy feels that I don’t know how to be comfortable in a stable relationship. I think that maybe I’m holding him up to an ideal that doesn’t exist. And as much as I doubt that I want to be with him forever, I’m scared to death that I’ll leave him and realize, too late, that he was the best thing I ever had.

Yet, being in love is supposed to be overwhelming, all-consuming, mind-altering. I know that if I loved him I would feel as if my whole life would be gone without him.

I physically cheated once. But mentally and emotionally I know I’ve cheated many more times than that. I don’t talk to other guys to hurt him. I talk to them because I want to know, I NEED to know, if there’s really something missing that exists somewhere else. I need to know if there’s really a guy out there who is as perfect of a boyfriend as him, who also makes me weak at the knees. Someone who is charming yet genuine. Someone who can be all of the things that I want in my soulmate. But another part of me thinks that I’m setting my expectations too high. That I won’t let myself be happy with him because I’m waiting for a guy who will never come.

Is it me? Is my judgement of relationships just too twisted, too distorted, too misled for me to appreciate what’s right in front of me? Or is it him? Is it possible that he just isn’t the guy for me, and that someone will come along someday who I will not only want with incredible passion, but will also need like I need to breathe?

help.

I’m lost in my own mind.