It is so hard to sum up how I feel about you but I’m really going to try and show you what’s going on inside of my head so you can decide for yourself what you want.
Not knowing you was really confusing for me. It’s like you pop into my head from time to time but then soon after my memory of you is erased and you’re back to being that idea that sounds attractive. Looking back to when we were together I regret quite a bit. I wish I had been able to see through you but I couldn’t. I had forgot about you because I’m not the type of girl to persue someone when I’m with someone else. What I said to you about just “making out with a pretty girl” was really lame and I’m so sorry I said that. At the time I suppose I meant it but I think that’s because you weren’t you and now, I don’t feel that way at all. I also wish I had spent more “in the moment” time with you. I was really distracted and terrified to be honest. You were the stepping stool to my sanity and I think I just didn’t feel safe.
I had no idea Alisha was your sister. When I met your dad and put two and two together my heart melted. I’m not sure how soon after, it all made sense. I think when I realized that you were always within my reach is when I started taking this relationship and its potential seriously.
If we had a moment alone and I could talk about what I want and what I’ve wanted for so long I think you’d start to really see who I am. The fact that I’m forced to live this unfulfilling, overdramatic life dampens my spirit and probably gives you an inaccurate, preconceived view of who I am.
I act like what my life consisted of is something I want because honestly, at one time or another it is what I wanted. Its all I know and there is a part of me that thinks it can be fixed but I just want you to know, I am so fucking tired of being the option. The past between him and I was something I was willing to look past and had things worked out differently we would’ve probably never met. It’s just being so serious about having a future and being mocked by the person you see that future with has really taken it’s toll. Had he not put me in this bubble and chose to walk away there is no doubt in my mind that we would’ve met, had you accepted my friend request that is.
I don’t really know you and that scares me when I think about what we could be. I want to live honestly, happily and vibrantly. I don’t want to miss someone like him if that makes sense. That scares me more than anything. That at some point I’ll lose interest, feel like we want different things or I won’t get the attention that I need in order to feel fulfilled. That might sound juvenile to you and maybe it is but in this moment that’s how I feel. I don’t know you. I don’t know who I could be with you. I don’t know who I will become.
I have a laid back approach at life but I’m not a laid back person. I think you probably know by now that I dissect every single detail to my life and I would with yours too. For so long I felt like I didn’t have a partner. It felt like the world was swallowing me whole and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it and I fought, everyday, to stay a float. Escaping the toxic relationship I once thought was love was the best decision I’ve ever made for myself and it was hard. Going into that relationship I had never felt more comfortable with myself being with someone else and it sucked me in.
I feel so reponsible for everyone’s happiness. Honestly, it’s exhausting. You confuse me. I resent you. I want to love you. I want to love me. I still plan on springing right back to the me I discovered 4 years ago. After a short melt down, that is. I’ve never been the type of person to allow life to leave marks. I don’t want to mother you either. I want to be a doting companion and I expect the same. I want to feel comfortable with every aspect of my life. I want to be the happiest person on the planet. I want to feel one step ahead, without dragging you.
You surprised me, nonetheless. I feel like you’re the type of person that can do anything you set your mind to and you’re a better bartender than me, hands down. I feel like we work good together too. I’m not sure how long you’ve been playing the guitar but wow. lol. You’ve really committed yourself and with that you’ve shown me a side of you that can’t be summed up by an introduction or a facebook page.
I can’t help but think that there is more to this life. So I’m gonna keep coming around. I wish I knew a little more about how you’re feeling about all of this. I wish you trusted me. I wish you could see how the thought of you with anyone but me makes me crazy. How I have the desire to know you inside and out. How I really am trying to understand God and his life lessons and his ultimate plans for you, me and everyone else.