I read what you wrote about me, i have no idea how much that i hurt you and made u cry all of them nights. I can’t take back what i have done or how i was to you. I told you all of my reasons why i pushed you away. Even if they didn’t make sense to you, i made that choice to let u go. I just knew in my heart that you weren’t ready for me, as like i wasn’t ready for you. I had so much in my head before i had met you. I was in the middle of a war with no hopes of making it back home. I remember praying to god to ease my pain from what my x wife at the time was doing to me. I was missing my son so much and had no idea how he was doing, nor did i know if he was safe. My heart was broken with no hope. I just thank god for that moment when he let me found you. Who knew a myspace chat would take it as far as we did. You were just some stranger that i met online, but in the end you became my lover and a best friend. I remember all those times i would stay up so late just to talk to you, knowing i had to go on a mission the next day. I can’t believe that i fell in love with a picture on my screen and the person behind the computer. If i were to write a book about us, no one would understand. People would think were your weird and a bunch of fools. To love someone that u never met. But I fell in love with you, not what you had looked like. So as every passing day i was in iraq, i was thinking to myself “ONEDAY” I would met you face to face. And people what your reading here is just the beginning, there’s more to this story.
I remember i had told you that when i get home from this tour, i would stop by and see you. Well yes i was crazy enough to met up with you. And i remember how fast my heart was beating at the airport not knowing if you were really going to be there. As i walked towards to get my bags, i took the escalators to go down stairs and i felt like i was moving in slow motion because my heart stop the moment i had realize that u were standing there. I felt like god had a ray of light on you and the only person i was seeing out of the crowd was just you. I remember as soon as my foot hit the last step i rushed to you and kissed you hugged you like i haven’t seen you in forever. Crazy how we had never met but it felt like i been with you for a life time. I had no idea you were as beautiful as i had pictured you. Wow i was amazed by this beautiful women who waited so long for me. I remember the time we spent together, it was the best moment of my life that i wish i could replay over and over again. But like all nights it came to a end. My heart was torn when i had to say goodbye to you. But i knew that i would see you again. When i made it to Texas, things were all good. I felt like a new man, i had the girl of my dreams and no one could ever take me away. But like i said before all good nights come to an end.
She had joined the marines and that’s what made our love a little harder than, what it already had been. But i tried to be strong for her so i stood and waited when she would write me from boot camp. I think i was feeling like her when she would wait for me to come off mission to write me again. I thought to myself that damn i love this girl so much i can’t wait to see her again. As time passed by, i didn’t feel like myself the wars that i been through kept me from thinking straight. I found myself being more an asshole to my girl than being that great guy she once loved. I was such a fool for not telling her what was getting to me and what was eating me up inside. But like the amazing women she was, she already knew that i was hurting inside. She was so understanding the best women in this world and yet instead of letting her help me, I had so much pride as a man, that i would just push her away. I remember i would go out to clubs and get drunk then call her, Saying “Baby you know that i love you right” and she would laugh and shake her head. But she was actually thinking another way. While i was having a good time, she would wait by the phone to make sure i made it home ok. I would make her worry about me and i was so stupid not to understand that. At the time i really didn’t care.
As time passed by i found myself, thinking to much about dumb things. I kept thinking, that there’s no way a army soldier and a marine could be together. Not because of our branches. It was more because we would never be station together, and that was tearing me apart knowing that. I knew i would be staying in for 20 yrs and if she were to stay in, we would never see each other. So instead of talking to her about it. I made a big mistake by slowly pushing her away, so i didn’t have to be a coward to tell her it won’t work. Wow was i an idiot for not knowing how i was making her feel. I stopped telling her i loved her, i stopped acting like i wanted to hear from her. No matter how shity i was treating her she still stood by my side feeling unappreciated by the one she loved.
Even after all i was doing she wouldn’t give up on us, so i did the unthinkable and told her to move on. God knows how hard that was for me to do, because deep inside i still was in love with you. But i still stuck by what i had thought the army would always keep me away from you. So like every good thing in one life it came to a end. She finally cried her last tear for me and moved on with him. When i found out she had a man, my heart was broken because i knew she was trying to get over me. So i tried to get back with her but in the end she had already cried her last tear for me and moved on with him.
I started thinking about the last time i spent with you, at my apartment before we had our last kiss. I remember hearing your voice from the other room. You meeting my family, me wanting to start a family with you. I couldn’t wait for you to meet baby jay. It hurt me the day i had to drop you off at the airport because i remember seeing that sad look you had on your face. I loved you so much i didn’t want it to end. But it did and you had went away.
Time passed on and i drove myself crazy thinking of all my mistakes of letting you go. I found myself drinking and doing drugs to make the pain go away. I was telling myself, damn how pissed off you would of been if u seen what kind of man i was on that day. But i didn’t know what to do i was lost and confused because when you had left, we thought you were pregnant and i was waiting for the results. And when we found out you weren’t i tired to play it off like i didn’t care because i knew how much you had wanted one. I never had asked you if you were ok. I was such a bad boyfriend and that i would admit now.
But instead of trying to reach out to her i moved on myself and found a lady who had the child that me and you both had wished for. I know how hurt you were when u found out i was married but i was trying to do the right thing and raise my girl as a family and not a broken one.
Then you turned around and got married too and here we are today. I never got over you i can still hear your voice. No matter how hard we try we still find away back to each other. I know your heart still with my and mine is still with you. So i called you and told you how i felt that i still miss you and i still think about you. And that i still love you. But i ended up looking like a fool because u didn’t feel the same. At least now i have my closure and i can treat the one im with now with love that she deserve because i let you go from my heart to make room for her. And its better that way.
I wrote this letter, so that you know it’s time for me to “LET GO” because like u had once told me “You can’t be friends with the one you once loved” and that’s true because we still have too many feelings and it won’t be fair to the ones we are with now. I just wanted to let you know I had no idea all the pain and tears i’ve had caused you untill i saw this letter that you wrote to me. “I’M SORRY” i really didn’t know. I don’t blame you for moving on now. Know that in my heart “I STILL LOVE YOU”…
PS: This is a true story of my life, so people love those and cherish the ones that were always there for you because once there gone its to late to get them back”
“Obstacles are put in your way to see if what you want is worth fighting for” “It takes years to build up trust, But only Seconds to destroy it…”