I’ve never felt like this before, and I hate it.
I can’t stop thinking about you no matter what I do.
I have a lump in my throat all the time, and am on the verge of crying at any moment (like I am right now, along with the feeling of someone clawing at my throat and choking me and twisting me up inside so I can’t breathe, so all I can do is think of you and sob)
You are perfect in every single fucking way and I’m me- not the skinniest, or the prettiest or the funniest or the smartest, or the most interesting by any means. I’m not athletic or talented or special in any way whatsoever. But all I want is for you to think I’m special.
I really think I’m in love with you.
And that scares the shit out of me because I know you don’t feel that way about me at all, and you in all likelihood never will.
I think that’s what kills me the most.
There’s so much I could have said, but didn’t.
So much I should have said, but couldn’t.
Every time I go to say something, you smile at me- that smile that crinkles your nose and curls the corners of your mouth up and my mind goes totally and completely blank.
So I end up looking stupid or standoffish and awkward but it’s because all I can think about is touching you, running my fingers through your hair or feeling the touch of your fingertips on my warm skin.
My mind goes blank because it’s full of you.
Whenever we look at each other, you smile at me in that way of yours that makes my stomach feel like it’s been flipped upside down, and I get light headed and all I can see is that perfect smile, directed at me and I feel amazing- utterly amazing, like I could fly.
But at the same time, I know I can’t compete with any other girl you’ve ever met. I never say the right thing- if I even say anything at all.
I’m right in front of you and it’s killing me that you don’t look at me the way I look at you.
And I’m so tired of missing you.
I’m so tired of feeling so pathetic all the time.
I want your arms around me and for you to tell me that you’ve loved me for a long time, too.
I want you: all of you, all the time, forever.
I know it’s ridiculous, but I just want you to love me back, despite my many, many imperfections.
I know you won’t, and I know I messed up and I know it would seem ridiculous to you, but it doesn’t seem ridiculous to me.
I love you.
I hate that I love you, but I do.
I hate even more that it’s one sided.
Not being loved back is the worst feeling in the entire world.
I didn’t understand that at all until now.
Not being loved back is like being pushed in a dark hole and being told that you now have to live out the rest of your existence in there, all alone.
How can I possibly move on from this?
How can I not feel this way anymore?
How can I ever see you with someone else and not feel my heart shatter inside my chest?
I’m absolutely terrified, and I didn’t think love was supposed to feel like this.
The only time I’m not sad is when you smile at me, because only in those moments do I truly feel like I belong in this world.
Your smile makes me think I have a chance, and for that split second, I feel invincible, and beautiful, and wanted, and perfect, for the first time in my life.
I can’t imagine my world without you, and I can’t imagine waiting a whole year, let alone a second longer to see you.
I hate that I love you, but I do.
And I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.