I love to watch you sleep because you’re at peace. Your face is relaxed and you do not worry what others think. You’re the gentle breathing man I fell in love with. You’re quiet and happy during this time. You have no bad thoughts of the past haunting you, there is no challenge you can’t handle. You’re at peace.
Every now and again your right eye opens and glances at me, you’re not home but for a moment you flicked the light on, you look at me as if your brain is saying “Hi, it’s you!” and then it closes once again to the slumber from which you left to ensure your safety.
You’re easy going and forgiving, your eyes say comfort, your brain says rest.
You’re not angry or vengeful, you don’t hate, or scour at the one who’s been by your side
From day one I wished your pain away, at least when I realized its enormity. I loved you with every ounce of who I am. I would have given my life to see you flourish.
This part of me I could never get back, I can’t go in a store with a receipt and get a new one, I can’t put a financial value on it, it’s simply not possible.
I feel I practiced love with you, I gave you everything I had monetary and non just to make it easy. If I would have known you would have such anger toward me for the things you walked away from I never would have let you do it. I just thought we were building a new life together, something real, something that despite our pasts would be more solid than anything we had ever known as kids.
I look back at the surprise TV on the wall to cheer u up at Christmas, I remember leaving notes from Santa in the tree to let you know that someone cares on a level you simply weren’t lucky enough to have, I supported your most negative feelings even the ones you aren’t proud of through NO fault of your own. I’ve offered my family to help you understand that it’s ok to feel what you feel, and though you see it as terrible it’s still ok, and you are still loved
You were my miracle you could do anything, you always did great things at home, fixing the basement so it never leaked again, installing pools, and decorating the house so tastefully. The landscaping you used to do would wow our neighborhood to the point that they would stop and say how beautiful it looked. The love and pride I had for you and your talents were immense.
How your presence (when you were happy) made this house a home.
The snow storms in the jeep, and sledding on broken arms, the amazing smells of your cooking.
These would be the things I have terribly missed. I wanted to stay because I knew that if u spoke with a counselor you would have a better understanding of the good man you are and that the negative thoughts that have haunted you all your life, do NOT define you. I also thought you may realize the importance of what we had.
We had a chance to make a beautiful home, and entertain and cook, and learn from one another. We had a chance to support one another in all the ways we didn’t have when we were kids, we had a chance to have a best friend the kind where u could tell them anything and you knew it was still ok. We had a chance to know that someone out there gave a damn when the rest of the world including our family’s didn’t. We had a chance to take care of one another when we needed each other.
I just wanted to make a house a home with you, I wanted you to see what I see in you, and I wanted you to take joy and pride in the incredible guy I always knew you were.
I was never fully let in and always held at a distance the one person you should have let in. I wouldn’t have hurt you and promised to take care of you, which I think I did very well at.
I’m sorry for making you move, I’m sorry for making your life what you didn’t want it to be, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t make you happy.
But if the above isn’t love, then I’m as lost as you. I just tried to give you things that I know many others are way too selfish in this world to give you.
It’s that simple innocent and heart wrenching.