Just started writing this letter on a whim, thinking that perhaps pouring out my jumbled, troubled thoughts will somehow help piece them together. I want them to make sense and I want to find that peace of mind that seems to be just out of reach.
Just kidding, that’s a lie. Peace Of Mind is much further away, constantly dodging each desperate attempt to grab it and hold it close.
Let’s sort through this list. We’ll go from less serious to more serious.
1. We broke up a long time ago. Over a year. But if I am being honest with myself, it doesn’t seem that long ago at all. It’s not that I am not over him. I really do think I am. I know we are not compatible and that getting back together would equal a large amount of misery for me. I know the terrible things he is capable of and has done. I am not in love with him anymore. However, we were together for a long time and I do care about him. He was my absolute best friend. I don’t feel bad about missing him as a real friend, though we still remain on relatively friendly terms considering all that has happened between us. The thing is, I think I think about him too much. I should barely be thinking about him ever, right? But I can’t help smiling over sweet memories, reliving and relishing the intense emotions we gave into, or battled, throughout the entire course of the relationship. The thrilling, passionate love in the beginning; the safe, warm, trusting love that came after; the fiery, angry, jealous, blinding love that consumed us because we wholeheartedly believed in it. It hurt me badly and deeply, at various points along the way, but the good parts were satisfying and beautiful. I think about it more than I should. Okay, I’m making it sound like I think about it more frequently than I actually do but still the point is IT’S MORE THAN I SHOULD. Sometimes I think about a particular moment because I want to feel something that intensely again. Even if its a horrible feeling. Like that time I was convinced he was cheating on me. He says he didn’t. I think I believe him. I don’t really care now anyway. Okay, there are two big secrets I maybe should reveal here but just thinking about the horrible thoughts you readers may have about me is enough to stop me. I don’t want to leave a bad impression because I am not a bad person, really! I have made mistakes in my life, yes, but I have learned from and grown from each and every one. And I don’t want the focus to be on my two biggest secrets when this letter is not about that at all.
I really feel bad for his girlfriend though. I want to tell her things I would have wanted to know, but it is not my place to approach her and possibly end their relationship. I also try to imagine myself in her place, and I would not want to hear these things from me. I do feel horrible about the things she doesn’t know though.
I just want to stop thinking about it all.
OKAY. On to the next thought.
2. I’m worried there is something wrong with me. I recently turned my best friend into a therapist because I could not contain all these worries. I’m scared I am pussing away the people I care about. I hate responding to texts. Well not hate. See, it’s complicated. I like talking to and being around the people that text me. But whenever they text, my first instinct is to read it BUT not respond. I don’t want to respond. I just don’t. Then they will respond then I have to again, then them, then me, etc.etcetctctctctblahblahblah and I just don’t want to! I’d rather be doing what I want to do. I would rather be watching my t.v. shows online, or hanging out with my sister, playing cards with my parents, or reading. Or anything. Anything I want! I don’t want to go visit my other friends on my college campus, I am exercising and eating healthy to get in my very best shape so I can for once have the most perfect body and drinking a ton with DOES NOT go along with that. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy going out with friends and drinking. Shots are fun. However. This summer is about health. And I am sticking to it. I don’t think they would understand. Also, I don’t have a way to get there easily. In addition, where the heck would I sleep over there? There are a few options, but none sound as good as In My Own Bed. In conclusion, I would just rather stay away from that entire situation. But still, why don’t you text them back, you say? That’s what I am trying to figure out. I never realized how incredibly stressful it is to figure yourself out. Sometimes I feel like I am so abnormal. When I compare myself to friends on Facebook I think to myself– why don’t you enjoy being around people all the time??????? Why am I so different? Maybe I am not and others can hide it better. Or not. In my head it makes sense: I am around my lovely roommates all the time during the school year, studying, hanging out, and partying. Is it so wrong to have the summer for myself and whoever I decide to let cross into my comfortable, safe bubble? It makes me feel so much more normal knowing my best friend is the same way. And hey, we are smart, pretty, funny and not awkward (most of the time) so we are not Aliens or something (I think I just gave us too many compliments but oh well!) But lately I have just been feeling like I am so different from the rest of the world and it is looking like I am not handling it well. And I feel so guilty not responding to texts. It’s so rude of me not to respond! But as terrible as I feel about that, oh man, I JUST DON’T WANT TO. I don’t know how to fix myself. But even that sentence, it makes me sound broken. But I’m not. I hope not.
3. This may be just too much information for you, Random Stranger Reading This, but I have not gotten my period since May. It is July. I have never missed a period. Ever. However. I am logical, I know there are many reasons this could be happening. Obviously, I am stressed. My mind is constantly at work, thinking and over thinking and reflecting over a million different things. I also started an intense exercise program in June, and began eating strictly healthy things. I also stopped binging on food. At the end of May I stopped taking birth control pills nonstop in a way that allowed me to skip a couple periods while on them. So I had a few days of some sort of withdrawal bleeding at the end of May, I think. But not a drop o blood since. Stress? Exercise? Diet? No more pill? So many possible reasons but obviously one is just glaring at me. PREGNANTPREGNANTPREGNANT. But I just can’t be! Let’s go over the reasons. 1) I was on the pill when I slept with the guy, mid-May. True, I didn’t take it at exactly the same time each day. I was focusing on the clear skin benefits, not the contraception part. Well. That month at least. I didn’t think I would be having sex because school was almost over. Anyway, I took it around the same time though. So yes, pill, check. 2) Condom? Check. 3) Honestly, I don’t think he even finished because I got tired and we cuddled. So sue me. I was drunk and had my last exam/an interview that day. Wait I just re-read that sentence. Don’t worry, drinks came after those important things, at night to celebrate. 4) 3 NEGATIVE pregnancy tests. These were taken the last two weeks of June and the first week of July. 5) No pregnancy symptoms. Except being paranoid my stomach is not as flat as it should be. And a more upset stomach than usual, but I am now thinking it is because I keep thinking about pregnancy and stressing over it. My logical side says– look at what you just listed. In order for you to be pregnant, each of these has to have failed me. What are the chances? A condom is 95% effective on its own (something like that.) And what are the chances all those tests are wrong? I even tried different brands. Yes, I feel stupid for being so paranoid. I am just a paranoid person, and I keep thinking about this situation. AND IT IS PROBLEM THE #1 SOURCE OF MY INTENSE STRESS. AHHH. I know, I know, I will go to the doctor soon. I would just feel stupid if I went and my period came the next week this month. I believe in being prepared, after all, it was my choice to be sexually active. I understand that. So I know what I would do if I WAS pregnant. I have thought long and hard about it. I am okay with what would be next, because I believe it is the only choice for me, for my life right now, so I can have the life I want. But knowing what I would have to do does NOT make it less scary. Pleaseplease don’t let me be pregnant.
Okay maybe I shouldn’t even post this. I don’t want anyone to leave negative comments, which would add to my stress. Honestly, I think I am in my second most fragile state right now. My most fragile state will probably be after my break-up with the guy in #1. But it feels good writing this; it feels good getting it all out there.
Who knows, maybe one of you can relate. Maybe you will comment, and I will feel more normal. Maybe someone wants to leave a helpful tip.
I don’t know.
But there you go. This is the present state of my mind. I don’t know if I exaggerated or did the opposite, but I feel a tiny bit more free sharing my problems.
Yeah, I know it’s a mess.
But I think I can work through it. I’m strong.