It’s been one year, four months, and twenty three days since we met.
It’s been five months and four days since I last saw you.
Before you left for basic training. Since we made love for the first and only time.
There’s always been that… something… between us. I guess some people call it chemistry, others might just call it attraction. I can’t put a name to it, but I know that, whatever it is, it’s kept a hold on me since the day we met. It seemed so easy, back then. We spent an innocently blissful week with nothing on our minds but each other. I wonder sometimes whether you still remember the night that we were lying on your couch, bodies close, hearts closer, and you asked me if it could really be this easy. I said that I thought that’s how it was supposed to be. After all this time, after all that’s happened and not happened between us, I can hear your answer echoing through my soul: “Yeah, screw dramatic love stories…” and you kissed me gently as our mouths exchanged all the words that we didn’t even need to say.
And I believed you. I believed that it was the beginning of our love story.
I believed you when you turned to me a few nights later and said, “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.” For the first time in so long, I didn’t doubt it.
The worst part is, even after all this time, I still believe you meant it. I know that you felt what I felt. After all, you were the one that told me first. I’m not one to be the first to open up, but we poured ourselves out to each other. After only a week I felt like I had known you forever. When I met one of your best friends Theresa a few days after we met, she said, “It’s nice to finally meet you. Derek literally can’t stop talking about you…” You told me that I was so different from all the girls you’ve been with. Just as different as you were from everyone I’d ever been with.
You didn’t want to take things far physically. Just lying next to each other, talking into the early hours of the morning, exchanging the sweetest kisses, that was all you needed. All I needed.
You know when you know that someone else just gets it? Some people call it being on the same page. Other people bring up the wavelengths of our energy. Still others say you’ve just clicked. Whatever you call it, there are few people in the world that I have ever felt this way with. Few people other than you.
I was never one to believe in love at first sight. Never one to believe that you would know your soulmate as soon as you meet. But I’ll admit that a week after we met, I told my best friend that I thought I had met the one. There was just something so completely right. So completely naturally. So absolutely aligned about being with you.
It’s been 154 days since I’ve seen you. And before that day, it had been almost 9 months. Yet, you’re still here. On my mind. Sometimes I only think of you every few weeks. Some weeks I think about you almost everyday. Sometimes it’s just a fleeting memory. Sometimes it’s something little that reminds me of you.
But sometimes… Sometimes I think of you when I look at my boyfriend and wonder why I can’t just be happy. Why he can’t just be enough. Why I don’t feel content. Why I feel like there’s something missing. And no matter what I do, no matter what other explanations I come up with, I already know the answer.
It’s you. It’s the fact that you were everything I wanted. You were real. You were honest. You were funny, cute, confident, athletic, attractive, charming, deep, fun. And you understood. Life. Me. The deeper questions of existence that I often wondered if anyone else thought about.
Yes, you’ve screwed me over. Yes, you’ve disappointed me. Yes, I should be able to look at you, look at what happened, and just shrug it off. Put you on the list with all the other assholes I’ve encountered. But I can’t.
Because I KNOW you felt it too. I KNOW it was real. And although I don’t know for sure, I think that because you knew it was real, knew where it could take us, it scared the hell out of you. Scared you enough for you to run away from it. Yet, you kept coming back. Sometimes not for weeks. At times, not for months. But no matter how long the time between us, I knew that it wasn’t over.
Maybe it’s just the idea of you that keeps me hanging out. Maybe it’s just the notion of what could have been that keeps me interested. But I just don’t think so. I think it was you. And I pray to God that somehow, someday, you’d come to realize that it’s worth it to take a chance. Worth it to try.
Right now, I’m in a little town in New York, 12 hours from home. I’m just here for the summer, just by chance. In fact, I didn’t know I would be here until two weeks before I arrived. I was on Facebook the other night and you had a status about New York City. A little bit of exploring led me to the information that you’re stationed in an army base in upstate New York. You didn’t know you would be there. You’re there just by chance.
And just by chance, we’re only two hours apart. Both miles and miles away from home, yet so close to each other. Now I won’t just jump to the conclusion that it’s fate. Or destiny. Or whatever silly label you want to put on it. But… what are the odds?
Although I’m sure you never go to LINS, although you may never have even heard of it, I pray that somehow, this letter reaches you. That someone who reads this and knows that it’s about you will tell you. If by some chance you do read it, you’ll know that it’s me.
Maybe you’ll shrug me off as crazy. Maybe you’ll tell yourself I just sound obsessive. Maybe you’ll push away the memories that I know will come to mind. But maybe, just maybe, you’ll realize that it’s worth it to call me up. Worth it to let me know how you are. Maybe worth it to take a chance on something that’s been waiting one year, four months, and twenty three days to happen.
And if you do see me on Facebook, you’ll see that I’m with him. You’ll see that I’ve been trying to be happy with someone that I know is a great guy, that I know tries to make me happy, that I know I should be happy to be with. But if you see us… if you see me… know that every single day, I wish he were you.