If You are who I think you are and if you are reading this, then I got your last letter. Indiscretions are never what I called our meetings in my mind. Maybe with anyone else but never with you. It was never about what we did behind closed doors for me- which is why i was able to jold back those few times. Not because i didnt want to but because if she truly made you happy, then i didnt want to spoil that for you. I fear that the results of this, my letter in return, will be an impasse. You are and always have been the standard for comparison I hold my relationships to. You are not a backup, you are not a crush, you are the white knight I always wanted but was too afraid to admit.
But my life and experiences since we met and loved have not been easy. I have learned caution. I have learned to fear loss and i can no longer think about just what I want. I have and am still learning to be my own white knight. Every day i feel stronger and steadier on my own two feet, and every night for almost six years I have thought of you without fail-loving you but wondering if you could love me as the person I am- the person I have come to be.
I was never anything but honest with you about my inclinations. I am sorry i learned these things during our time together but I will never change who i am for someone else again. I do not believe i am an immoral person, nor do i believe you are as spiteful and hurt as you let on. I know the darkest things you hide, as well as the ultimate Goodness and generosity you let so few see. I see you as the love of my life and I would glad jump in with you any day above all others but must be certain that that girl you want is who I want to be as well. Am I capable of it? I am not sure. Especially now when my bruises are still healing. I feel that in time we could come to some sort of compromise, but a compromising person you are not. You demand the best of me-which you truly deserve- and I you, but I fear the distance eating away at us again and this time we may both not recover…
I will tell you this: when I fantasize in my head of going to the movies and cooking dinner, it is with you. Spaghetti and pancakes. When I go to the park, monkeybars forever remind me of hanging upside down in the sunset with you. While my new life is just beginning it is these images and a small notebook of poems that keeps me going. If you would just let go of your fear of the unknown and let me try to be sure- I would wait for you. I love you either way, forever and always, I just need to learn to love me too.
Hopefully your Angel,
P.S. I do want to see you. My door is always open.